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Ancient Chinese Remedy
by Phil Temples

Twenty-one-year-old Kyle Fitzgerald thought he was doing himself a favor by following the advice of his college roommate, Li Chin, in treating a bad case of constipation using Li’s family’s traditional remedy.

“Do it, man! I know it sounds gross but my grandma swears by it.”

So he did. 

Kyle went to Chinatown, purchased leeches, came home and stuck them up his rectum. After several hours passed, Kyle realized it wasn’t helping. In fact, his predicament felt even more dire. 

Kyle drove himself to the local hospital. After a thorough examination, the doctor shook his head and sighed.

“Wait here.” 

After a while the doctor returned, accompanied by an old Vietnamese nurse who held in her hands a glass of foul-smelling, brown liquid.

“Mister Fitzgerald, I can schedule you for an emergency procedure within the hour,” the doc told him.  “Or, you can hold your nose and drink this stuff.” He nodded to the old woman. “Linh assures me this will flush the leeches out. It won’t kill you but it’ll make you wish you were dead.”  

“This is old Vietnamese remedy. It treat Chinese remedy!” She chuckled. “Young man—you want treat constipation, no buy leech. Buy laxative next time.”