Bird Job
by Phil Temples
“Great!
Another ‘bird job.’”
Sam said it
aloud as though every other run involved the
rescue of a feathered creature. The four men and
one woman of Ladder 12 had arrived at 125
Prescott Street to find a parrot called “Captain
Hook” sitting on a branch about fifty feet
up in a tall oak tree. Captain Hook appeared to
be in good spirits. His owner, however – a
Mrs. Marjorie Fletcher -- was quite beside
herself.
“Please!
Do something! ‘Captain’ has never been
out of the house. Don’t let him get hurt!
Please!”
“Ma’am,
please calm down. My men will do everything they
can to get your bird down safely.”
The response
came from another ‘Captain’. Captain
Sean T. O’Reilly had been in the vicinity
and decided to stop by and monitor the progress
of the rescue—and to check on the progress
of their newest crew member. While the crew broke
out the ladder, O’Reilly tried to calm down
Mrs. Fletcher.
“...You
don’t understand, sir! He’s more than a
bird. He’s my family! He’s all I’ve
got.” The tears welled up in her eyes.
“I
understand, ma’am. We’ll have your...
ah... ‘Mister Hook’ back to you in no
time.”
He added,
“Now, please don’t take this the wrong
way, ma’am. I’m only askin’ for
insurance purposes. Can you tell me the
approximate value of Captain Hook?”
At first, Mrs.
Fletcher looked at Captain O’Reilly in an
odd manner as though the question was nonsensical.
She thought for a moment.
“Well, he’s
been valued at $75 thousand. I have him insured
for one hundred thousand dollars.”
Petey and Joey
were standing nearby and heard the exchange. Joey
whistled at the mention of dollar amount. O’Reilly
shot him a dirty look. Clearly this job called
for a little finesse.
“Suzy,
you goin’ up?” asked the Captain, of
the company’s newest firefighter, Susan
Langley.
“Sure
thing, Cap.”
“But --
but, aren’t you going to send one of your
men after my ‘Captain’?” Mrs.
Fletcher asked, meekly. She was clearly
uncomfortable with a member of the weaker sex
being entrusted with such a crucial mission.
“Don’t
you worry now, Mrs. Fletcher. Suzy is one of the
best.”
Petey and Joey
held the ladder. Suzy, in a full body fall arrest
and sit harness, headed up with a small
assortment of tools strapped to her waist. She
was followed by Johnny, better known around the
station house as “JG”.
“Aw, shit!”
cried Suzy. “Watch out for the bird poop, JG.
He almost nailed me.”
The comments
brought a chuckle from everyone on the ground,
with the exception of Mrs. Fletcher. She thought
that it was most disrespectful. However, she kept
her mouth shut. Mrs. Fletcher didn’t want
anything to distract the fireman and that girl
from rescuing her poor Captain.
“Hey,
Captain!” yelled Suzy.
“BWWAK!
Pretty Captain!” replied Captain Hook.
“Not you,
bird!” Suzy countered.
“You like
Pretty, Pretty Captain!” said the bird.
“What?”
“...What?”
Captain Hook
echoed O’Reilly’s response.
“Shut up,
Captain!” Suzy said.
“I beg
your pardon!” yelled Captain O’Reilly
from the ground.
“Sorry,
Cap, not you—I was talking to the bird.”
“BWAAK!
Sure you were, sure you were!” yelled
Captain Hook.
“Cap, he’s
a little out of our reach! I’m thinkin’
that we hang a split-side pulley off that big
branch and rig some hand line. Sound okay by you?”
“Do it!”
yelled O’Reilly.
“Do it,
do it -- BWAAK!” yelled the parrot.
“Guess it’s
unanimous, Suzy,” said JG, from a few rungs
below.
“Hey, JG
-- ya’ wonder why we go after an animal that’s
perfectly capable of getting himself up here in
the first place. Now, surely he could find his
way back down, wouldn’t ya’ think?”
JG replied,
“It’s a ‘PR thing.’ We go
after cats all the time.” He added, “If
ya’ ask me, we ought’a just shake the
damn branch until ole’ ‘Mister Hook’
here decides to fly back down under his own steam.”
Suzy said,
“Except for the fact that that damn thing is
worth more than the first mortgage on my house.”
Twenty
frustrating minutes later, Suzy and JG were still
no closer to rescuing Captain Hook. The Captain
stayed conveniently out of their reach. He would
periodically interrupt his pruning to eye the two
would-be rescuers with great suspicion.
“That’s
right, Captain Hook. Come to papa -- come to papa,”
said JG.
“BWAAK!
Fa loves Pa!”
“What th’fuck
did it say to me?” said JG.
“Shhh,”
said Suzy. She lowered her voice to a whisper.
“You want that ole’ bag down there to
go mental on us? Just humor the bird, alright?”
“Pretty
girl, pretty girl,” said the Captain to Suzy.
The Captain followed up with a ‘wolf whistle’.
“He knows
how to chat up a gal, doesn’t he?”
quipped JG.
“Maybe
you should take some lessons from him,” she
replied. Suzy turned her attention to the ground.
“Hey, Cap,”
she yelled. “I got an idea! Pass up one of
the spare rake handles from the back of the truck!
Maybe ‘Captain Hook’ will step out onto
it. I can pass’em over to JG!”
“Oh, no,
no!” cried Mrs. Fletcher, below. “You’re
not going to make my poor Captain ‘walk the
plank!’”
“Ma’am,
listen.” responded Captain O’Reilly in
the most calm, paternal manner that he could
muster. “No one’s going to put your
bird in any danger. My gal up there knows what
she’s doing. Petey -- grab a rake handle
from the truck if you would, please?”
Nearly an hour
later, Suzy and JG were carrying on an extensive
dialog with Captain Hook. Talking to the parrot
seemed to keep its attention focused on Suzy and
JG. It also kept him from moving further away. To
observers on the ground it appeared as though
Suzy and JG were trying to reason with the bird.
“...Captain,
if you just ‘walk the plank’ for me, I’ll
give you a big, big surprise!”
Suzy said it
in a provocative manner using a chesty voice, as
though she were offering the bird a sexual treat.
“Yeah,
Captain -- and all of us get to watch too,”
joked JG.
“Shut up,
JG!” snapped Suzy.
“BWAAK!
Shut up, JG! You want that ole’ bag down
there to go mental on us?” screamed Captain
Hook.
“Oh, shit,”
muttered Suzy under her breath. She knew that Mrs.
Fletcher -- in fact, everyone else below -- had
heard Captain Hook’s last remarks.
“We’re
gonna have to watch what we say, JG,” she
whispered.
“Walk the
plank! Walk the plank!” cried Captain Hook.
“I’ll give you a big surprise! You can
watch, too, JG! BWAAK!”
Captain O’Reilly
was starting to get pissed.
“Hey, you
guys,” he shouted upstairs. “I don’t
know what you’ve been sayin’ to each
other and to that bird, but knock it off! Don’t
make me sorry I sent you up there. Now, you get
that animal down here. Now! I don’t want to
see any ruffled feathers, either. You read me?”
“Roger
that, Cap'n,” replied JG.
“Yessir,”
said Suzy.
“BWAAK!
Ten-four, Good Buddy!” acknowledged Captain
Hook.
A few minutes
later, Suzy had positioned the rake handle to
rest on the branch, within a few inches of
Captain Hook’s feet. The Captain eyed it
curiously.
“Com’on,
Captain Hook! Step on the pretty stick, now.
Mommy misses you. We’ll take you to mommy.”
“BWAAK!
Henry! Take me. Take me now! I’m yours.
BWAAK!”
All heads
turned -- both in the air, and on the ground.
Down below, Sam said out loud what was on
everyone’s minds.
“Who’s
Henry?”
Mrs. Fletcher
turned bright red; she said quietly to Captain O’Reilly,
“A woman’s
entitled to a little male companionship once in
awhile.”
Just then,
Captain Hook took a tentative step out onto the
rake handle. Before Suzy could get a firm bracing
on her end of the stick, however, Captain Hook
started sliding quickly over towards Suzy. The
sudden, shifting weight of the massive parrot
caused Suzy to nearly drop her end.
Captain Hook
started to tumble; he flapped his wings as he
clung to the rake handle.
"JG! Help!"
yelled, Suzy.
“Shit!”
screamed Captain Hook. The parrot was now
flapping his wings madly. After a second or two,
Captain Hook let go of the handle. He started his
flight down in a slow, spiraling motion.
“Heads up!”
shouted JG to everyone, below.
All eyes were
glued on Captain Hook. Mrs. Fletcher felt as
though her heart had stopped beating altogether.
Captain O’Reilly wondered if they’d
have two casualties today -- her, and the bird.
The one-hundred-thousand-dollar question on
everyone's minds was: could the bird safely land
under its own power.
A few seconds
later, Captain Hook spiraled down onto the
shoulder of Mrs. Fletcher, who then promptly
passed out.
“BWAAK!
She’s gone mental on us! She’s gone
mental on us!” the Captain screamed.
“No she
hasn’t, you bird-brain. She’s fainted,”
replied Petey.
Petey took off
his helmet; he stretched Mrs. Fletcher out on the
ground in the event that mouth-to-mouth
resuscitation was required. In the meantime, Joey
went to the truck to retrieve the smelling salt.
“BWAAK!
Kiss me, Henry. Kiss me tenderly, sweetly. BWAAK!”
“Cap,
that bird is gonna drive me nuts!” said
Petey.
“BWAAK!
Fruitcake! Fruitcake!”
Suzy and JG
arrived back on the ground. They joined the other
crewmembers and Captain Hook, all hovered over
Mrs. Fletcher.
“She
gonna be okay?” asked Suzy.
“Her
pulse and respiration are normal,” replied
Captain O’Reilly. “I think Mrs.
Fletcher will be just fine.” He added,
“Do you two mind telling me what the hell
you were talkin' about, up there?”
Before either
could respond, Captain Hook replied, “BWAAK.
Take some lessons from him, Cap! Just shake the
damn branch! BWAAK! Just another ‘bird job...’”
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