Cooking for
Cretins
by Roger
Pattison
Before we go
any further, we need to establish how to boil an
egg.
First of all,
you will need an egg. You can usually recognise
an egg by the fact that it isn’t an orange.
An orange is round and orange.
Many things
fit into the description of not being an orange.
But oranges don’t. So that narrows it down a
bit.
A camel, for
instance, also, is not an orange. Neither is it
an egg.
Should you
suspect that your egg is in fact a camel, first
inspect it for legs. An egg does not have any
legs. This depends to some extent on the state of
your fridge. Things like frozen pizzas do
occasionally grow legs in my fridge.
Another test
to apply is the smell test. Camels rarely smell
like eggs. Again this can depend on your fridge,
and how many camels you keep in it.
Another subtle
difference is that a camel is eight feet tall and
hairy, and an egg isn’t.
Having located
our egg, we will next consider how to boil it. In
preparation we shall need:-
1 - A hacksaw.
2 - A saucepan. These are things that look a lot
like a tin of paint with a handle sticking out. A
tin of paint would not be a good substitute.
3 - A fire engine.
You will also
need a source of heat. If you happen to be
boiling your egg on Bonfire Night, you could at a
push boil your egg when everybody else is
roasting their potatoes.
There are two
different methods of boiling an egg. Hard boiled
and not boiled at all. That’s usually how it
works out for me anyway. The hard boiled type
needs to be on the heat for a least a calendar
month. During this time you will notice the
saucepan take on various different shapes. A
figure eight shape tells you that your egg is
truly hard boiled and that is when you need your
hacksaw. Remove your pan from the bonfire; or, if
you are up for a challenge, don’t.
Saw the pan in
half, so revealing your hardboiled egg. Do not
discard your hacksaw as you will need it for the
egg.
Put your egg,
(which will either look rather like a meteorite,
or a blackened camel), into a nice little Enid
Blyton eggcup and put the assembly into a vice,
sawing the top off carefully if it looks like a
meteorite, or very carefully if it looks like a
camel.
In my next
book I will be doing toasty soldiers to dip in
your egg. You will need the use of an industrial
arc welding set.
Happy cooking!
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