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Cream Puff
by Phil Temples

“Hello! This is Beebro Gruzgorg at Nebula Real Estate. How may I help you?”

There was a pause on the other end of the line while the universal translator engaged.

“Certainly. Are you bringing your own fauna and flora, or will you purchase as-is? And your preferred land area-to-ocean ratio?”

The response sounded like two angry alley cats spitting at one another.

“Ah, I see. As-is. Two billion souls! Something in uncharted space? I have just the planet for you!  It’s not too hot, and not too cold. It’s in the Mutanioc system—22,000 light-years distant.  Why, it’s a real cream puff!”

“…I can assure you, you’ll have excellent privacy. I’m sending you the holographic specs now. You see all the cosmic dust in the vicinity? It hides the planet very effectively from prying long-range scans. 

“…Previous occupants?  No sir, this is a virgin planet! Well… there were some indigenous primitives who resided there several thousand years ago, but they managed to kill themselves off after several wars.

“…Uh-huh… No… There are no radiological or biological contaminants. Nothing but simple chemical explosives were ever used, so there’s no lingering damage to the environment.

“…It’s available for immediate occupancy. We can sell it to you for the low price of 8x10^34 credits. Should you wish, I can introduce you to our preferred lender at First Galactic Savings and Loan.

“…Help with moving? Sure! Nebula Real Estate can set up a very reasonable arrangement through our affiliate, Nebula Moving and Storage. Their fleet can easily transport two billion Faldorians and their property in no time.

“… The catch? This is no catch, sir.

“… Its sun? Oh… I see that you’ve done your due diligence. Well, yes, it is… uh… in the early stages of white dwarfism. But no system is perfect. Consider this—you’ll have at least 200,000 quality years before there’ll be any appreciable change. That’s a lot of existence for you and your people. Besides, you’d be ready to upsize then, anyway. Right?”