How to Throw
Away $1000 in Sixty Seconds
by Linda Barber
I threw away $1000
in sixty seconds. I didn’t gamble it away at
the reservation in Cherokee, NC or enjoy a brief
encounter with an East Tennessee gigolo. By the
way, there are no gigolos in East Tennessee, at
least none with a full set of teeth. I didn’t
spend it on a spending spree at Walmart. Nope. I
just threw it away. In the trash can. In sixty
seconds.
I didn’t
mean to do it. I’m not that addled. Not yet.
My sisters and mother-in-law sent me birthday
cards sans money. I also got a card from my
realtor and my insurance agent. No money there
either. My mother sent me a $500 check which I
gave to my husband to deposit in the bank. Then
he gave me a card with ten $100 bills. I kissed
him and tucked the cash back in his card and
slipped it at the bottom of the stack of birthday
cards on the kitchen counter.
I’m a
slob who could care less whether her kitchen
“surfaces” are clear or not, but the
day after my birthday, I felt some strange urge
to clean up the kitchen, and I whisked all the
cards right into the garbage can. Then the next
day, I started to write the yard guy a check but
thought, “I can pay him in cash with those $100
bills John gave meeeeeee!” After I threw up
on all my clear surfaces, I called Kingsport City
Hall who gave me the Kingsport Services number
who gave me the Kingsport Trash Services number
who gave me the Kingsport Transfer Station’s
number. I learned a lot about how garbage is
disposed of in Kingsport, Tennessee.This would
all be very interesting if I were not having
chest pains, profuse sweating, and a sick feeling
in the pit of my stomach. I called my mother to
tell her what I had done. She advised me not to
tell John. She said my father would have hacked
her up in small pieces. My housekeeper said her
husband would strangle her. I told him anyway.
John is a trial attorney with the ubiquitous ice
cold water running through his veins. He
immediately whipped out our homeowner’s
policy, and said we could recoup at least $500.Then
he went to play golf.
I’ve been
punishing myself for the last few weeks. It’s
the Baptist in me. I cut my teeth on guilt. I
have refused to buy new prescription sunglasses,
because I’m still punishing myself for
losing my old ones in Mexico five years ago. So,
after throwing away $1000 in sixty seconds, there
will be no new clothes, no new computer for my
birthday next year. But I do know what I’m
asking for — my memory. Can I have that back
please?
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