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Soccer Moms of Sparta
by Con Chapman

A mother handed her son his shield and exhorted him: “Return from battle either with this, or upon it.”

Plutarch, Sayings of Spartan Women


A Spartan soccer mom, sending her son off to battle against the Framingham Mini-Mites, handed him his shin guards and said “Come off the pitch with these, or on them.”

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Another, when her daughter limped to the bench after being kicked in the shins during a Kinder Kick 3-on-3 soccer game, said “Where are fleeing to, you sorry runaway? Trying to crawl back in here, where you came from?” She then yanked up her stylish skirt with adjustable side belt to reveal her 100% cotton panties.

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A Spartan boy sprained his ankle during a CYO basketball game. His mother stopped the coach from consoling him, telling the boy “You should be ashamed to ask for an Ace bandage, like an old woman in a nursing home!”

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A Spartan boy hesitated before diving into the pool to take his beginner’s swim test. His mother, seeing his fear, pushed him in with her foot saying “Do not ask me for a Grape Slurpee when you emerge, you coward, unless you swim to the other side!”

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A Spartan boy was struck in the face by a pitch during a Little League game. When he began to cry, his mother shouted from the stands “Crying is for babies! Take your place in the batter’s box, bad seed of mine! Do not invoke your right to go to first base without earning it by a hit!”

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A Spartan girl was asked to spell “accelerator” in a seventh-grade spelling bee. She asked “Use in a sentence, please.” Her mother stopped the nun who began to accommodate her, saying “She knows what an accelerator is. She has seen me—many times—step down upon it so as to beat the yellow light on the way to her ballet lessons!”

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A Spartan boy received a B on his science project, a papier mache volcano. On the ride home his mother excoriated him. “For generations, your forefathers have received A’s on projects ranging from ‘How We See Colors’ to ‘What Makes the Wind Blow.’ You will have no ice cream tonight, you miserable cur!”

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After defeat in a Pop Warner Football Game, the father of a boy on the winning team taunted the losers. “Maybe you guys should stick to soccer,” he said contemptuously.

A Spartan mother, hearing his calumny, threw her Diet Coke into his face, saying “I wouldn’t screw you for practice, you impotent fishstick!”

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A Spartan mother watched her son’s team lose the championship game in a hockey tournament. When the boy presented her with his Runner-Up trophy, she dashed it to the ground and spat on it. “How could I have given birth to such a worthless thing!” she screamed. “You who are satisfied with second place!”

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