The Comedian's
Notebook XI
by M. V.
Montgomery
The arm bone’s connected to the
hand bone, the hand bone’s connected to the
cell phone.
It’s true what they say—age
is only a number. It’s just that, at my age,
they assign you a very high number that reminds
you you’re going to die.
It would be great if at my
retirement party, my colleagues said, “He
gave this place all he had for so many years!”
But it would be even better if they said, “I
can’t believe that son of a b - - - -
managed to retire so early!”
It's kind of funny when you hear
that NFL players who kneel during the National
Anthem are "taking a stand."
I don’t think that Chevy should
use its red bowtie racing logo with the flames
coming out of it. It looks too much like a
dashboard signal warning you your engine is on
fire.
Was sure I’d stumbled onto a
Russian propaganda site the other day. It
purported to reveal the IQs of famous people and
listed a score of 154 for Donald Trump, who in
all likelihood would struggle to keep pace with
Paris Hilton (120). Trump’s score was the
third listed, and that would be exactly the place
to put it: not so far in anyone would lose
interest or grow frustrated with the pop-ups; far
enough in to use one other politician as a
measuring stick — Oxford-educated Bill
Clinton, with a reputation for smarts (IQ 148),
and who has, unlike Trump, probably been tested.
A gentleman who lived in the town of
Nantucket was rather keen on pursuing his own
pleasure.
He took a positive attitude toward cleaning up
and had a most amusing attraction to his own ear.
February 14th marks the death of St.
Valentine, who was beaten, stoned, and beheaded.
It’s our annual reminder that love will hurt
us, knock us off our feet, and cause us to lose
our heads.
Can’t wear a necklace if you’re
neckless. Sorry, sometimes when you feel like
saying something stupid, you just have to go for
it.
Cell phones are essentially
premature aging devices. They reduce a person’s
attention span and memory. They may cause blurred
vision, hearing loss, and even wrinkled and
spotted skin. They have even been clinically
linked to arthritis and brain cell decay. So I
don’t think I should be blamed for not
answering my phone—it really wouldn’t
take that many calls to finish me off.
If Fe is the chemical symbol for
iron, then a female is an iron man.
Something eerie about hitting “Reply
All” in a message chain that includes
oneself.
Life on social media is nasty,
brutish, and short.
Oscar Wilde said, “Why was I
born with such contemporaries?” Oscar
Madison said, “It takes two to make a rotten
marriage.” Oscar the Grouch said, “Let
a frown be your umbrella.” Don’t you
just love the Oscars?
Hate it, hate it when people whistle
at you to get your attention. I want to tell them,
“You don’t have to live like a referee.”
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