The Comedian's
Notebook III
by M. V.
Montgomery
If you microwave spaghetti
squash long enough, it will explode, becoming
confetti squash.
How many Millennials does
it take to change a lightbulb? Five. One to post
a picture of the burned out lightbulb on
Instagram, one to get the word out on Facebook
and Twitter, one to raise the money through a
Crowdfunding campaign, one to order a new
lightbulb through Amazon, and finally, one to
update the lightbulb’s status from “burned
out” to “fixed.”
Burying a fat person is a
big undertaking.
Nothing like good old
flammable pajamas to keep oneself warm.
If you play too much Bach,
does it become Offenbach? Just what is the cutoff?
Telling a good joke is
largely a matter of knowing what funny phrases
you can use on others. For example, ISIS, a
priest, and a rabbi invaded Iraq. It burned
villages to the ground and left a trail of
destruction behind: What’s up with that?
And tortured resisters. That’s what she
said. Can’t you hear the difference
between that and a dry news report???
I both like and am bananas.
“Ah, yes,” he
said, placing his palm on his pupil’s head.
“You have a fine hard skull.”
The page you are looking
for no longer exists. Whenever you click on
this prompt, the page reloads. Whoa! God-like!
Schrödinger’s paper
towel paradox: if you are wiping a counter with a
paper towel but having trouble removing some grit,
you sink your fingernail into the top of the
towel and really dig in. So from one perspective,
you are using the paper towel to clean the
counter, but from another, you are using your
fingernail!!! Both are right.
My state of Georgia
recently resumed its execution of mentally
challenged criminals. It’s our only sure-fire
way of raising our test scores.
Last night I rented a DVD,
and before it started, previews came on for Mad
Max, Godzilla, a Twister-like movie, a Batman
movie, and a Planet of the Apes movie. I had
thought I was behind in my movie viewing—but
actually, I was way ahead.
It seems to me that a flesh-eating
bacterium becoming friends with a brain-eating
amoeba would make for a rather touching children’s
story.
Hey, Marshawn Lynch. A
spoiled athlete says, “You know why I’m
here”?
My favorite knight of the
round table is Surrealism.
Tell your teen in that
loaded-down vehicle leaving for college to drive
carful-ly.
I wish my name was DeJohn.
Then people could call me The Mustard Man.
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