The Heart and
Sole of the Matter (Rim Shot, Please)
by Trent Dietz
The time has
come for me to write about fashion (as if we
needed another sign that the world was ending).
First off: credentials. I have none. Fashion is
not my forte. How could it be when the last
sentence exhausted my knowledge of French? To me,
“fuchsia” means “pink,”
“maroon” means “red,” and
“fashionable” means “costs as much
as a Porsche Carrera.”
Fashion is
important. It can make a difference between being
happy and carefree and being happy, carefree, and
blissfully ignorant. It can make the difference
between getting that job you always wanted and
getting a job at a place that actually cares
about your qualities and not your clothing.
But really, it
can matter and (sometimes) should be taken
seriously.
And what
portion of clothing is more important to fashion
than shoes? I have no idea, but just go with it
because I’m going to talk about shoes
whether you like it or not.
1. Shine
your shoes.
My shoes seem to get scuffed whenever they come
into contact with abrasive surfaces like air
molecules. But in law school, I learned that the
first thing people notice about a man’s
clothes is his tie and the second is his shoes.
So bust out that shoe polish and old rag, and
keep in mind another fashion tip: shining is just
a fancy version of staining and should only be
used on shoes. Don’t let that polish get
near your wife’s new dress. No, seriously BE
CAREFUL YOU’RE GOING TO . . .
2. Do not
wear sandals and socks.
Just don’t.
3. Shoes
can make a difference.
Shoes alone can make the difference between one
style and another. The best example of this is an
ensemble of a sleeveless shirt and athletic
shorts. Shoes are the determinative factor in
this look. If you are wearing basketball or
running shoes, you look like you have just
engaged or are about to engage in something
athletic, challenging, and worthwhile. Whereas,
if you are wearing flip-flops, you call into
question whether you have ever done anything
athletic in your life. Call it the “stud/bum
shoe paradox.”
4.
Whatever you were doing before, it can’t be
as good as taking off your shoes.
This is less a fashion tip than a rule of comfort.
Nothing beats taking off your shoes. The freedom,
the relaxation, and (for those unfortunate enough
to be within about twenty feet) the stench. This
rule is best demonstrated by skiing. I love
skiing. I crave the feeling of the wind rushing
by as I glide down a mountain in an activity that
would violate the Geneva Convention if we forced
people to do it involuntarily. And yet, that
feeling pales in comparison to the delight of
removing your ski boots at the end of the day.
Strange.
In summary,
keep your shoes shiny, separate your sandals and
socks, pick the right pair of shoes for the job,
and remove your shoes when you can. What more
needs to be said?
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