Words of Wisdom,
II
by Janice
Canerdy
My muse
just slapped me upside the head with a brilliant,
challenging idea. I know if I don't write now,
unreliable Musie will leave me as he/she/it (undetermined--
a shape shifter?) has done so often in the past.
Profuse, rapid-fire details are flooding my mind.
Today's topic is (drumroll) "How to Tell
When It's Time to Mow Your Yard." Oh, Im
sure you've heard the same thing I've always
heard: "When the yard is a bit ragged and no
longer pleasing to the eye, it's time!" To
that, I say "Baloney!" HERE's how you
can tell:
(1) The cops
are combing the area searching for a gang of home
invaders who enter back windows or doors in broad
daylight. All your neighbors have been victimized,
but not you. Strange, faint whisperings--"Where
you at, Louie? . . . "Cant find the #*&%
back of the house!" . . . "Something's
wrappin' around my leg!"--have been
emanating from your back yard. Time to mow--after
you call the police.
(2) The "condemned"
sign in your front yard is obscured by grass.
Condemned? How long has that thing been
there? What will those mischievous kids next door
do next? You don't want to move.
(3) Grandma
went out back yesterday to get the cat. (For pity's
sake, how long does it take to fetch a cat?) You
wonder if you're losing your mind when you think
you hear "Help!" . . . "Meow!"
Time to mow, after you rescue them, of
course.
(4) The
stingiest, meanest curmudgeon in the neighborhood
drives up on a brand-new, expensive mower and
says, "Hey! It's suddenly occurred that I
haven't done a good deed in--well, since was a
Boy Scout forty years ago. I'd like to offer you
the use of my new mower, provided you agree to
borrow it regularly, starting NOW!"
(5) When you
make your daughter the magnanimous offer to have
her wedding at the house because funds are
very limited, her eyes get really big and she
says, "Gosh, Dad, that's really sweet of you,
but Ted and I have already decided to have the
ceremony at the fair- grounds rodeo arena. There's
no charge, the smell of horse poop is
hardly noticeable, and there's no tall grass
there that little kids might get lost in.
(6) You've
begun to wonder why you haven't received any mail
for two weeks. When you call the post office to
enquire, you find out your mail is being held
until they can decide what to do with it. The
mailman couldn't find your box and couldn't get
you on the phone. He thinks you're missing and
has filed a report with the police. (Hmmm, why
they haven't checked on you, you wonder)
(7) The police
knock on your door--they're exhausted after
fighting their way through the grass using
swingblades--to question you about a missing Avon
lady. A neighbor saw her approaching your place
day before yesterday, and no one's seen her since.
You express concern for this woman you've never
seen. The police demand that you mow your yard--after
they comb it carefully for any missing persons.
(8) A surefire
way to tell is--Aw, shucks! Musie just vamoosed
again, the slippery little dickens. No telling
how long he/she/it will be gone this time. Now
let's get out there, mow those lawns, and make
our neighbors proud to say they know us! Those
that are thinking about moving might decide to
stay after their property values get back to
normal.
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