A Saturday Night
Abduction
by Lily Murphy
Bud Sweeney
was a rare one. Not originally from Cork city,
Bud came from the midlands many years ago and
married a seamstress from Greenmount, but he
quickly became a fixed face in the many pubs
dotted up and down Barrack Street.
As I already
stated, Bud Sweeney was a rare one and now let me
entertain you with just one of the many tales
about him.
One Septembers
day some years ago, the rain was punishing the
street outside while a grand blast of heat came
from the small hearth in Tom Barry’s pub.
Myself and my
drinking companions sipped away in the warm
confines of the pub and it being Monday evening
the place was quite. The only buzz was coming
from outside as cars and pedestrians rushed up
and down Barrack street on their way home from
work, school, college and all such places alike.
As the rain
hit hard on anyone unfortunate enough to be
caught out under it, a small paunchy figure
appeared in the doorway of the pub, it was Bud
Sweeney.
In came Bud
all sour looking with the rain that had spat it’s
load on him and he immediately made his way to
our table when he spotted us with his tired blue
eyes.
He passed the
bar and I knew that Bud had something very grave
to tell us, for surely he would not have passed
the bar otherwise.
‘Hello
Bud, you look very serious this Monday evening!’
I greeted him
as he sat his drenched frame on a stool at our
rickety old table.
‘Oh I
have an unbelievable story to tell you all’
he said in a very low tone.
‘I’m
sure you do’ said the ancient Mrs Crotty
from across the table.
‘Sure you
weren’t seen at all yesterday’ she
remarked while bringing her glass of stout near
to her old narrow mouth.
‘Well I
must tell you all the reason why.’
And so Bud set
about telling the tale of his Saturday night
abduction.
He took a deep
breath before launching into his bizarre tale:
‘Well it
was Saturday evening and after my dinner I was
going to spend the rest of my Saturday on the
couch watching TV, but instead of doing that I
decided to go out for some postprandial drinks.
So off I
sauntered down to the Southside Inn as I only had
one and two pints of stout in mind.
I had two
pints there but I soon found myself in buoyant
mood with some good company and sure you know
drinking is like the world of the dead, there is
always room for more!
So my two
pints of stout were doubled and trebled and by
midnight I had well over quadruple that.
When the time
came for last call I had my throat nearly worn
out singing songs, some out of tune others I just
didn’t know the words to but by an hour or
so after midnight the barman had no other choice
but forcibly exit me out of the public house, but
he got some fine festering curses in his ear for
doing so.
As I staggered
and stumbled my way up the road going home, I
heard something coming from behind me. It was a
low purring noise coming nearer and nearer so I
swung myself around to plant my eyes on what it
was but instead my eyes were blinded by two
bright lights.
The next thing
that happened was the appearance of two big
figures who handled me in the most discourteous
manner and before I knew what was happening to me
I had found myself locked into a room.
Oh it was a
cold place all grey and gloomy and I thought to
myself that this is it, I‘m done for! I
thought what would the wife at home be thinking!?
She would probably think that I had run off when
in fact I had been abducted while I was making my
drunk walk home to her.
Yes my friends
I was abducted by these strong characters and
believe me they were strong because I tried
putting up a fight but alas with me being so over
the top intoxicated I had no hope against them.
So anyway I
panned my body out on the floor of this room
because I had destroyed myself with tiredness as
I howled and kicked at the door for what seemed
hours without end.
Some time
later I was awoken by the big steel door that
swung open and I was told to get out. By then I
had the most horrendous hangover tearing shreds
out of my mind and not to mention tearing shreds
out of my stomach but by noon on Sunday I had
eventually made it home where the wife tore
strips out of me, worse than any horrible
hangover let me tell you!’
Bud finished
his story which had us all sitting in stunned
silence until I spoke up.
‘So Bud,
are you telling us that aliens abducted you on
Saturday night and took you aboard their space
ship??’
Bud who was
still wearing a very serious expression on his
face shook his head.
‘Aliens??
Ah Christ, no not all! It was the law that picked
me up and flung me into a cell to sober up!’
So as I
already told you, Bud Sweeney was a rare one
indeed.
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