The Short Humour Site









Home : Writers' Showcase : Submission Guidelines : A Man of a Few More Words : Links

Writers' Showcase

Bulk Discount
by Don Magin

Yes, sir.  I'll take care of it as soon as I get back to my office.

                                           #

"Hello, is this the ERD Battery Company?  Good.  My name is Wilbur Small. 

Oh, okay, I'll try to speak up, but I'm afraid my voice isn't very loud.  I'm the purchasing agent for S.C. Enterprises, and I'm calling to see if I can negotiate a largevolume discount.  How large?  I'm thinking at least two billion each of sizes doubleA and D…yes that's right, two billion—two thousand million.  Also, fifty million each of sizes C and tripleA, and ten million of of the 9-volt. And we need delivery by December first.…

I know this is short notice, but you see, up till now, we've made our own batteries.  For some reason this year, the Environmental Board and the Employee Safety and Health agencies have denied our permits.  Apparently it has something to do with use and waste permits, and a hazardous materials training program for workers.  It was a complete surprise to us.  I myself don't understand that technical stuff very well, but the consultants we hired, Pointed Ears Engineering, assure us that we do have some deficiencies in those areas.…

How big a discount?  Well, I was hoping for a 100% discount.  All right, I didn’t think that would really be possible, but it doesn't hurt to ask.  Our expenses have gone up so much in the last few years, and having to buy batteries just wasn't in our budget this year.  The cost of our raw materials has skyrocketed, and our heating and utility bills have gone through the roof.  About the only thing that has remained stable…yes, that's right, stable…has been our transportation costs.  They haven't changed in more than a hundred years, thanks in part to the fact that we grow our own fuel.…

Do you think you could do a little bit better on the discount?  After all, we give most of our production away for free.  No, I'm sorry, I don't have a Non-Profit Tax I.D. number—we've never needed one before.…

What about if we pick up them up, saving you the delivery expense?  That's good, another couple of percent helps.…

So, if it's all right with you, we'll arrange to pick them up on 01December.  By the way, do you have a freight elevator that goes to your roof?"