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Expectoration
by Bill Tope and Doug Hawley

Liddy stood on the corner, chewing tobacco and watching curiously as municipal workers rolled up the sidewalks--literally rolled up the sidewalks. Liddy was a little dismayed by this, as he longed to expectorate on the pristine sidewalk, in a personal attempt at public dissent. The wheels of pavement, he thought, resembled the round rolls of hay that Liddy had seen on farms across the Midwest of his youth. Finally, curiosity got the better of him, and he poked one of the white-uniformed workers on the shoulder.

"Excuse me," Liddy said, "but why are you rolling up the sidewalks?"

The worker scowled. "Buzz off," the man hissed. "I work for the government," he said, as if that explained everything.

"See here," retorted Liddy. "I'm a citizen. What if I want to use these sidewalks?"

The city employee sighed heavily. This fellow was taking up his valuable time. He explained, "It's August, fellow, and I have to clean the sidewalks. We do this every summer."

"Well," said Liddy, "when will the sidewalks be available again? I'm keen to expectorate."

The worker rolled his eyes at the question. "If I'm not detained further by answering questions, then I can clean and replace the municipal pavements with 24 hours."

"Where do you take the sidewalks to clean them?" Liddy asked next.

"The fire station, of course," replied the man. "We power-wash the pavement with the fire hoses there."

"But," said Liddy, "isn't that a rather cumbersome procedure? Wouldn't it be easier to just bring the hoses to the sidewalks, attach them to the fire hydrants and clean them on-site?"

The worker shook his head. "The issue was brought before a committee; a vote was taken and a decision made. What're you, a troublemaker, a rebel or something?"

Liddy nodded. "Or something," he said, and stood aside as the worker finished rolling up the sidewalks, activated a hoist on a huge flatbed truck and lifted the sidewalks onto the bed of the vehicle.

The municipal employee nodded curtly at Liddy. "Your tax dollars at work," he said, and climbed into the cab of the truck and sped away.”

"Crap", muttered Liddy. "What'll I do now?"

At that point a friendly local citizen wandered by and asked “Is there something I can help you with?”

“I wanted to spit, but the sidewalk is gone.”

The friendly local said “You must be from out of town.  Towns such as ours with a population of 1,465 people buy special roll up sidewalks from Spetzer, a company in Selser New Mexico.  You just have to know the secret.  See those things that look like flowerpots?  They are spittunes, s-p-i-t-t-u-n-e-s.  Try it, you might like it.”

Liddy spat into one of the spittunes and was rewarded with a recording of “Cowgirl In The Sand” by not so young Neil Young.

Liddy was pleased and told the unnamed friendly local with a smile “Thanks buddy, I think I’ll like this place once I get to know it.”