Expectoration
by Bill Tope and
Doug Hawley
Liddy stood on
the corner, chewing tobacco and watching
curiously as municipal workers rolled up the
sidewalks--literally rolled up the sidewalks.
Liddy was a little dismayed by this, as he longed
to expectorate on the pristine sidewalk, in a
personal attempt at public dissent. The wheels of
pavement, he thought, resembled the round rolls
of hay that Liddy had seen on farms across the
Midwest of his youth. Finally, curiosity got the
better of him, and he poked one of the white-uniformed
workers on the shoulder.
"Excuse me," Liddy said, "but why
are you rolling up the sidewalks?"
The worker scowled. "Buzz off," the man
hissed. "I work for the government," he
said, as if that explained everything.
"See here," retorted Liddy. "I'm a
citizen. What if I want to use these sidewalks?"
The city employee sighed heavily. This fellow was
taking up his valuable time. He explained, "It's
August, fellow, and I have to clean the sidewalks.
We do this every summer."
"Well," said Liddy, "when will the
sidewalks be available again? I'm keen to
expectorate."
The worker rolled his eyes at the question.
"If I'm not detained further by answering
questions, then I can clean and replace the
municipal pavements with 24 hours."
"Where do you take the sidewalks to clean
them?" Liddy asked next.
"The fire station, of course," replied
the man. "We power-wash the pavement with
the fire hoses there."
"But," said Liddy, "isn't that a
rather cumbersome procedure? Wouldn't it be
easier to just bring the hoses to the sidewalks,
attach them to the fire hydrants and clean them
on-site?"
The worker shook his head. "The issue was
brought before a committee; a vote was taken and
a decision made. What're you, a troublemaker, a
rebel or something?"
Liddy nodded. "Or something," he said,
and stood aside as the worker finished rolling up
the sidewalks, activated a hoist on a huge
flatbed truck and lifted the sidewalks onto the
bed of the vehicle.
The municipal employee nodded curtly at Liddy.
"Your tax dollars at work," he said,
and climbed into the cab of the truck and sped
away.
"Crap", muttered Liddy. "What'll I
do now?"
At that point a friendly local citizen wandered
by and asked Is there something I can help
you with?
I wanted to spit, but the sidewalk is gone.
The friendly local said You must be from
out of town. Towns such as ours with a
population of 1,465 people buy special roll up
sidewalks from Spetzer, a company in Selser New
Mexico. You just have to know the secret.
See those things that look like flowerpots?
They are spittunes, s-p-i-t-t-u-n-e-s. Try
it, you might like it.
Liddy spat into one of the spittunes and was
rewarded with a recording of Cowgirl In The
Sand by not so young Neil Young.
Liddy was pleased and told the unnamed friendly
local with a smile Thanks buddy, I think Ill
like this place once I get to know it.
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