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Writers' Showcase

Final Projects[1]
by Gracjan Kraszewski

A SAMPLING OF FINAL PROJECTS COMPLETED BY STUDENTS
of
East Southwestern South Northeastern West North American University A & L
[2]

“Beer Me a Butler.” Juan “Tecate” Reyes. Squeeze the beer’s midsection for twenty seconds and the top pops off. Pop top poppity pop! Profit: Patent sold to All-American Stars & Stripes Piss off Europe Beer Co. for $30,000,000.

“Dog Poop Catapult.” Yates Davis. A harness is hooked up to your pooch’s hind legs. The dog answers nature’s call and the launch pad activates, sending the disposable waste airborne. Biodegradable Naturalist Society 11-star GOLD rating. Comes in your choice of color: Acajou, Arylide Yellow, Atomic Tangerine, Big Dip O’ruby, Eton Blue, Heliotrope Magenta, Pale Cerulean, Paolo Veronese Green, Phlox, Smalt, Tractor Red and Gamboge Orange. Profit: $76,088.

“Rocketman Everyman.” Stephan Turnighter. Dump our packet (***WARNING: HIGHLY COMBUSTIBLE***) of blue stardust onto any object. Toss on a lit match and take cover! Projectile can reach 15,000 feet altitude, by which we mean “within FAA regulations.” Post launch materials > 620 C. Profit: $44.80.

“Infant Translator.” Katherine Smofolexx. Can’t understand your little one? Ever seen a ski-mask? Place this device over your infant’s face and marvel as every malformed half-word is metamorphosized into the clear intonations of a 25 yr. old female from the American Heartland. Profit: N/A.

“Fake I.D.’s R US.” Kyler Lowman. We replicate any type of identification—driver’s licenses, government credentials, passports—with few exceptions[3]. Non-refundable 700 USD and non-disclosure agreement required. Profit: $54,200.06. 

“Blue Pill no Blues.” Michelle Cobb. Is that darned existential crisis stalking you again? Talk to your doctor about Instanteuphorianta™.[4] This 12x daily 1500 mg. pill will blow your mind.[5] Most patients reported intense surges of merrymaking sometime within the first four hundred days of regular use. Because when it comes to your mood, why go around feeling like your pet just got backed over by a semi just after having dynamite strapped to its back and the fuse lit and the exploding and the crunching happened simultaneously? (Note: marketed as Blues Bee-Gone, TV commercials feature a couple frolicking through the woods with bees buzzing round and upbeat, indy electronic folk music playing in the background). Profit: $1,455,226.19.

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[1] An excerpt from the absurdist novel, Job Search.

[2] ESSNWNAU-AL; pronounced “ESS-Wall.” Motto: “If it can sell, it’ll do well, by us, to get people to buy us, and it, in the U.S.

[3] The embedding process works poorly with extremely white people. The smudged holographic result is termed “Caspering the pooch.”

[4] Instanteuphorianta™ is not FDA approved. Side effects include nausea, mild vertigo, severe olfactory distress, intense vomiting and diarrhea, auto-catalyzed frostbite and a condition where a person imagines their right arm is another person and that person is trying to kill them. “See your medical professional today and start living life on your terms again .”

[5] Metaphorically, Q.v. “you will be impressed.”  Nonetheless, we must report that four subjects—rats—had their brains literally explode out of their heads during trial runs.