Moronia Attacks
by Doug Hawley
Klusterman the
Supreme One asked his general Stooch “How
goes the war.”
The general
was dirty and sweating in the near freezing room.
“After we invaded Westerly for insulting
your wife Jenny, we have cleverly tricked them
into taking over 25% of our country, the wondrous
Moronia. They can’t last eating our
food. Within fifteen years they will be
severely weakened and will probably retreat.”
Klusterman
seemed to be fantasizing “Ah my Queen Jenny,
she of the long ears, with her sensual four-legged
strut. How dare Westerly call her a donkey?
They will regret their insults.”
There was a
loud boom and one of the walls of the room they
were in collapsed. Stooch suggested they
move to another room.
Klusterman
swore for three minutes using every vile word he
could imagine, and then said “Are those evil
villains using weapons? I thought our wars
were supposed to be fought by dance challenges.”
“We could
never get them to agree. They countered
suggesting tickling, but as you know due to a
genetic defect of Morons, we die from tickling.”
“There is
another concern. Some of the population is
not sophisticated enough to understand how having
an army from Westerly bringing in wolves to blow
down their houses and tempting their wives and
girlfriends away with brains and looks is a good
thing.”
“Then I,
Klusteman everyone’s favorite and best
Supreme Leader will have a Press Conference to
educate them. First to the spin room.”
Klusterman
exited through a door into the spin room, entered
the spin chamber and spun for five minutes.
He finished feeling excellently devious.
Within an hour
the press was assembled. A smiling
Klusterman greeted them “Hey guys did you
like the whiskey I sent you on Founders Day?
How about that trip we went on to Zelb’s bar
and spa? It wasn’t much, just what you’d
expect of a glorious leader. Feel free to
praise me now.”
The press
murmured faintly and indistinctly.
“So, here’s
the deal, we have a little, minor, dustup with
the buffoons of Westerly. Nothing to worry
about. General Stooch says they’ll be
defeated in a couple of weeks, sue for peace, and
offer money, liquor, and their best most
attractive teenagers in return for peace.”
“In the
meantime you, some very attractive entertainers,
if you know what I mean, and some other VIPs will
take a vacation in Glimmer just across the border
until things die down.”
“Peace
and heh-heh piece in our time. Oh, yeah it
isn’t clever unless you know the spelling.
Hold up that sign Seymour so they will understand.”
Because
soldiers with rifles had entered the room, the
members of the press smiled and clapped.
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