Not A Stalker
by AJ Pierz
Ben circled
her block for the third time and decided to park
on the east side of her building, right between a
brand new Mercedes SUV and a long black shiny
limo. That was the nice thing about riding a bike
– you could park it practically anywhere. He
nodded hello to the limo driver to make it seem
like he came here all the time.
Why didn’t
he just ask for her phone number at the bar?
Because he had about as much grace as a
bodybuilder doing needlepoint, that’s why. The
only thing he really knew about her is that she
left for work at precisely 7:30am every day, and
she lived in the brownstone across the street
from a bench where a homeless man in a pink
raincoat ate graham crackers every day. Do you
know how hard it was to find that guy in New York
City?
In any case,
he’d found him. Trying to be nice, he’d
picked up some graham crackers on his way to her
house and stopped by the bench to offer them to
the homeless man. The pink-coated man snatched
the cracker package out of Ben’s hand and
chucked them at a newspaper dispenser while
releasing the loudest battle cry in the history
of humanity. So much for that idea.
Ben checked
his watch – only three minutes until she’d
be coming this way. He Froggered across the
street to the front of her building and casually
walked down the block in front of her door. Too
soon. She wasn’t out yet. He
turned around at the end of the block and walked
back the other way while trying to look casual. After
7 more laps, it was finally time!
She looked
beautiful as she stepped out of her front door
and locked it behind her. Ugh, she was
taking way too long fumbling at the door! His
pace was all wrong. He'd be 10 yards past
her by the time she turned around. He jerked to a
stop and knelt down to tie his loafers - his
loafers with no shoelaces. The old lady walking
behind him crashed into the back of him and
knocked him forward onto his hands and knees. "Watch
it, Doofus!" She shook her fist at him. Oh
god. Hopefully Amy didn't hear that.
He looked up
right as she was in front of him on the sidewalk.
"Oh, fancy meeting you here!" What
was he, the Monopoly guy? Who says that?
“Oh, hi
Ben. What are you doing here?”
“I was
just in the neighborhood, going for a quick jog,
you know how it is.” He tried to channel
Fonzie from Happy Days as he stood up and dusted
off his hands and knees.
She looked him
up and down and her eyes lingered on his dress
shoes, then lingered on his leather jacket. She
wasn’t buying it. ABORT! ABORT!
"I would
have given you my phone number, you know…saved
you some trouble." She winked.
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