Prince Charming
by Wayne Scheer
So I says if
anyone of youse can fit into these here shoes, I'll
treat youse like a princess. They don't know me
from Adam, so I make like I'm a freaking prince
of a guy. Two of the three broads is so ugly they
can save money on Halloween masks. And they get
all excited, like I'm really gonna marry one of 'em
and traipse off to fairyland.
Anyways, the
two ugly ones push past the cute one and stick
out their fat, smelly feet.
I nearly lose
my lunch. Man, they had them some ugly feet. All
fulla corns and bunions and bloody toenails. I
expected to see green crud growing between their
stubby toes, but the smell probably killed it off.
So I made sure
their feet didn't fit into the shoe. Ya hold a
shoe right with your thumb in the back and no one's
gonna fit into the damn thing. Besides, their
feet was so fat, no way they was getting into
these shoes I found in the parking lot over by
the country club where I clean the toilets and
pick up the trash.
Then I tell
the cute one--they called her Cindy--it's her
turn. The two ugly ones, they're making fun of
her, calling her cellar rat and shit like that. I
really wanna bust them in the chops. I know it's
wrong to hit a broad. But, damn, there should be
exceptions.
I'm feeling
really sorry for Cindy, so I says to her in my
most charming voice, "Please try on this
here shoe."
And you know
what she did? She plops down on the floor next to
me and starts unlacing these big, ugly
clodhoppers. It takes her about ten minutes, and
when she pulls them off, she's wearing two or
three layers of socks with holes and there's even
some balled up newspaper stuck in the toes.
Meantime, the witches--I'm being polite, don't ya
know--they're still razzing her. I swear I can
hear them cackle.
Finally, she
takes off her socks. Now I thought I seen it all,
but her tootsies was so pretty I could understand
why some guys have a thing for ladies' feet. You
know I made sure she fit into the freaking shoe.
So I pick her
up and I'm about to carry her out the door and
away from the two ugly sisters, who are just
standing there with their mouths open like they
suddenly forgot they got vocal chords.
Now here comes
the weirdest part. Cindy stops me, and I'm
thinking, what do these two have on her? Why
would she want to stay here with these two freaks?
She's still in
my arms, but she makes me stop and turn towards
them. And you know what she does? She flips these
two ugly broads the bird and says, "Now we
can go, Prince Freaking Charming."
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