The Maiden's
Chastity
by Dusty Wallace
Captain
Slipenshitz looked down on the main deck and
smiled. The sails of The Maiden’s Chastity
filled with east wind. Save for the burning globe
in its center, the cerulean sky was peaceful. It
had been a fruitful raid of The Vulva Islands;
food, gold, and wine filled the ship’s cargo.
With the winds promising a swift return home, the
crew of The Maiden’s Chastity were of high
morale.
Chief Mate
Smegma had called the men to attention before
Captain Slipenshitz made his announcement from
the poop deck:
“Men. You’ve
done a fine job of crewing The Maiden’s
Chastity. As you know, we’ve had a rather
profitable encounter with The Vulvas. You men
have earned yourself a fair share of that booty.
That’s why I’m doubling the wages of
each of you. And when we dock, the first round’s
on me.”
The crew began
cheering, applauding and smacking each other on
the ass. Smegma joined in, planting a kiss on
Slipenshitz’s cheek. The Captain’s grin
fell. He looked at Smegma with an edge to cut
through steel. The cheering, clapping, ass-smacking
crew went silent.
“I never
knew your lips were so soft, Smegma,”
Slipenshitz said. The ruckus flared up again,
sounds of joy filling the high seas. Nothing else
could be heard over the noise.
The ship
rocked with a sudden violence, splashing the
celebrating seamen with salty liquid. The well-trained
crew were back at their posts in a flash. Smegma
shouted out orders from the poop while
Slipenshitz rushed to the edge to look for coral
or other hazards.
The Captain
backed away from the starboard as a great bulbous
creature surfaced. Eight tentacles stretched out
from its globular head, each lined with suction
cups. Crowning the tip of each appendage was a
mushroom shape, undeniably phallic.
The crew wasn’t
ready for battle in those peaceful waters. Before
they could man the cannons the leviathan moved to
bow, filling each porthole with its prehensile
limbs.
The gun deck
was soon flooded by a sticky-white fluid. The
seamen’s arms were useless in its viscosity.
Unable to swim, the seamen drowned.
Captain
Slipenshitz wouldn’t die without a fight. He
pulled the flint-lock pistol from his hip and
took aim at the beast. He exhaled, then fired,
exploding the left eyeball of the foul creature.
Now, at least, they were only dealing with a one-eyed
monster.
The beast
writhed in a climax of agony, using its tentacles
to lift the brigantine and smash it down into the
waves. The Maiden’s Chastity was left in
splinters.
Smegma hung to
a piece of wrecked hull. He spotted Slipenshitz
doing likewise and paddled over to him.
“This
must be why The Pearly Necklace never made its
way back to port,” Smegma said.
“I
suppose so, Smegma. But that was no great loss.
The Pearly Necklace was always a mess,”
Slipenshitz said.
“So what
do we do now, Captain?” Smegma asked.
Slipenshitz
thought for a moment and said, “Nothing we
can do. The Maiden’s Chastity is fucked.”
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