A Totally
Scientific Way to Determine Your Hogwarts House
by Grace Lu
1. Take the
Sorting Hat Quiz on Pottermore.
Let the J.K. Rowling approved
algorithm decide for you through your answers to
totally relevant questions like, “Forest or
River?”. Who knows, maybe Rowling will tell
you your sexual orientation while you’re at
it!
Just be sure not to delete
and recreate your account to retake the quiz too
many times or you'll get banned like me.
One of the pros to this
method is that you’ll be able to use another
J.K. Rowling approved algorithm to discover your
Patronus. Who knows, it could be a Stag just like
Harry Potter! Or, if you’re like me, a
Salmon, which totally isn’t embarrassing at
all.
2. Write a long,
overly personal Tumblr post begging for answers.
Publish a post on your Harry Potter fan account
under the hashtags #HarryPotter #HogwartsHouse #help
and hope the Sorting Hat (or a 12-year-old using
their VPN to goof off on middle school WiFi)
sympathizes with your desperation and diagnoses
you.One of the pros to this method is that some
Harry Potter fanfic author might read your post
and include you as a character in their next fan-fiction!
Actually, this one might be more of a con.
3. Choose a
random house and go with it.
All it does is label your core values and dictate
your entire Hogwarts experience! No pressure.
4. Show up at
London King’s Cross, grab a cart, and run
straight into the brick wall that is Platform 9
¾.
Spend your time in London doing this super fun
activity that totally isn’t a health hazard
at all. If you’re successful, you’ll be
able to board the Hogwarts Express, show up at
Hogwarts, and yell, “Blimey! I nev-uh ruh-ceived
moye lett-uh frum Og-warts!” If you’re
too scared to give it a shot well, then, guess
you aren’t a Gryffindor!
If the platform doesn’t
open up for you then Congratulations! You’re
a muggle! Yes, your worst fear has been realized.
At least it will be a cute photo-op for your
Instagram.
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