Pâté de Foie
Gras
by Steven K.
Smith
Dr. Charles
Jansson entered the conference room and took a
seat near the podium. He stuck a thumb drive in
the port by the lectern and reviewed his notes
while he waited. A minute or two later people
around him stood. He flipped the folder closed
and stood as well.
Mr. Hargrove
shuffled in with a personal attendant supporting
him. He took the seat at the head of the table
with the air of royalty taking the throne. A
picture of a fifty year younger Caleb Hargrove
shaking then-president Ronald Reagan's hand hung
in a gilt frame on the side wall.
"Sit,"
Mr. Hargrove said.
Charles sat
and surveyed the room. He recognized only Mr.
Hargrove himself and his personal physician.
"Well, Dr.
Janson," Mr. Hargrove wheezed, "they
tell me you have some results."
Charles stood.
He began his presentation with the anecdotal
accounts and epidemiological studies, and then
the carefully controlled—and carefully
hidden—laboratory trials, but Mr. Hargrove
cut him off.
"Get to
the conclusion. Can you help me?"
Charles put
down his notes. "Yes."
"Well let's
get started. What do I need?"
"Pâté
de foie gras and extra virgin olive oil."
There was a
pause. "You're joking," Mr. Hargrove
said. "I give you a state-of-the-art medical
laboratory—stuff the CDC doesn't even have—the
best researchers available, and that's
what you come up with? Goose liver paste and
olive oil?"
"Yes sir,
that's right."
"So I
just eat that and my prostate cancer goes away,
is that what you're saying?"
"Ah—no
sir. You don't eat it. It's applied topically."
"I rub it
on my body?"
"Well, it
has to be applied directly to the prostate."
"To the
prostate."
"As close
as possible, yes. Rubbed in vigorously, for at
least ten minutes once a day."
"To the
prostate?"
"Yes sir.
Intra-rectally," he added to be sure there
was no misunderstanding.
"You're
sure this will work?"
"The
results are unequivocal. It works."
"You
discovered this from anecdotal reports? People
are doing this?"
"Some
people have tastes that we might consider unusual."
He glowered at
Charles. "Hrumph. Are you sure this is safe?"
"Some
care must be taken with the application, but yes
sir, it's safe."
Mr. Hargrove
looked at his physician, who shrugged. "I'd
want to see the data, but I can't imagine it
being unsafe."
"Well, it's
no worse than some of the alternatives this quack
has proposed."
"There is
one other factor," Charles said.
Mr. Hargrove's
eyes narrowed as he looked back to Charles.
"What other factor?"
Whatever
component in the pâté that has the effect
apparently works in synergy with the body's
hormonal environment at the time of application,
particularly with regard to dopamine and oxytocin,
which must be conducive to—"
"In
English, boy!" Mr. Hargrove tried to bellow
the words, but they came out as just an extra-loud
wheeze.
Charles raised
his eyes heavenward. Wincing, he said, "For
the treatment to work, sir, you have to enjoy it."
|
