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Signifying Nothing
by Bruce Costello

Two garden gnomes are fishing. A fly buzzes by, thumbing its nose at a frog kneeling on a lily pad beside a rustic bridge. A splash of gold breaks the surface of the pond, then another.

“Oh, how I long to catch one of them critters,” says Mucky Stinkbritches.

“How long have we been fishing in this pond?” asks Ralph Bigwhiskers.

“Thirty-five years.”

“Seems like a wasted life. Year after year sitting here, dangling our rods. Not a single fish. Not even a bite.”

“Good things take time...”

“You’ve been saying that for bloody yonks…”

“Yeah, well..."

“Shhh. Somebody’s coming...”

Enter a young woman, golden locks crowned with a tiara, arm in arm with a handsome man wearing the dorky expression of an English prince. They stand beside the pond and gaze into each other’s eyes.

“I’m so happy. I yearn to spread my wings and just fly, fly away,” the woman exclaims.

“And so we shall, my princess. To Paris, Rome, Oamaru!”

The two leave the stage. Silence returns to the garden.

A half sigh, half sob escapes Ralph’s mouth.

“Pardon?” asks Mucky, looking nonplussed.

“I’m fed up.” Ralph waves his rod angrily. “Sick of fishing! And sick of you. You’re so boring! I want to make something of my life. Go places, be somebody!”

“Sick of fishing?” Mucky’s eyebrows shoot to the top of his head and disappear inside his hat. At that moment, a giant koi carp jerks his rod, pulling him into the water.

Ralph sits still as a rock gazing into the pond at Mucky’s body. “You were dull as brown mud, but you stood by me all these years,” he weeps. “Now I’ve got no-one.”

A few years pass.

Enter the princess, alone. Her hair has turned grey. There are dark shadows under her eyes.

“My life is over,” she sobs. “My lover has left. Only sorrow remains, and yearning, an aimless longing, a pointless pining - for what?”

She notices Ralph, who is still staring into the pond at Mucky.

“How cute,” she murmurs. She pulls the dead garden gnome from the water, embraces and kisses him on the lips, at which he comes to life and turns into a prince. He leaps from her arms and prostrates himself before her.

The princess recoils, then springs forward and kicks him in the crotch with all the force she can muster. The prince stumbles, strikes his head on Ralph’s hat and tumbles into the pool.

“I’ve had a gutful of princes,” the princess shrieks. She holds the prince’s head underwater with her left foot until he stops blowing bubbles.

There is a splash on the other side of the pond. A golden fish wearing an academic gown and a monocle pokes its head out of the water.

“Life is not a play with a finely crafted happy ending,” he proclaims. “As Shakespeare said, it is a tale, told by an idiot, full of sound and fury signifying nothing.