The Crawler And
The Crooner
by Stephen Philip Druce
I was in the
red light area of town, talking to a lady in my
car.
A policeman
tapped on the car window and asked me what I was
doing with my trousers around my ankles. I told
him I was a Hollywood movie producer, searching
the streets for a singer to audition for the role
of Julie Andrews in a planned re-make of 'The
Sound Of Music'.
"She can't
play Julie Andrews - she's got dentures"
said the officer.
"Officer,
I am not prepared to reject this lady's vocal
talent just because when she sings 'do a deer - a
female deer', her dentures may fly out and hit
one of the children in the eye - causing
permanent blindness. I will not discriminate the
dentured" I said.
"She can't
play Julie Andrews - she's vastly overweight. How
did you even manage to get her in your car?, did
you have to stick your foot in her ass and push?"
he said.
"Officer
please don't be so insensitive. I will not
dismiss this lady's singing prowess based on her
physical imperfections - even if that does mean
having to drag her by a tractor and a rope
through cow shit as she screams hysterically -
just to get her to the hill top so she can sing 'Climb
Every Mountain'.
"She can't
play Julie Andrews - she's got a tattoo of a
sandwich on her neck" he said.
"Officer,
you really are a superficial individual aren't
you?. Have you no imagination for the arts?. Are
you going to tell me that there isn't a market
out there for a Julie Andrews with a cheese, ham,
tomato, lettuce, onion, pickle and cucumber
sandwich tattoo on her neck?" I said.
"She can't
play Julie Andrews - she's about sixty five years
old" he said.
"Officer,
many a good tune can be played on an old fiddle"
I said.
"Let's
hear this audition then" he said.
"Certainly
- the 'Sound Of Music' theme tune please my good
lady - in your own time" I said.
She told me
she couldn't sing. "You can't sing?, you can't
sing?, right, get out of my car you toothless,
tattooed old lump!" I yelled.
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