Alarm at
Increase in Crimes for Charity
Public outcry has
followed release of new government figures
showing a large increase in crimes committed for
charity.
The growth of this
phenomenon has been linked with the end of the TV
appeals, Comic Relief and Children in
Need.
Initially,
significant revenue was generated from these
events as fundraisers undertook numerous
humiliating and pointless activities. When the
novelty wore off, however, charity activists and
media personalities were much less inclined to
place themselves in cringingly embarrassing
situations which would perennially come back to
haunt them.
Also the public
became increasingly unwilling to pretend to be
entertained by such behaviours. Indeed, in the
final year of the above appeals, donors
overwhelmingly sponsored individuals to not
undertake their threatened acts of self
degradation.
Unfortunately, the
end of such appeals precipitated a revenue crisis,
forcing charity activists to seek other ways of
raising much needed funds for humanitarian
appeals.
Tragically, more
and more charities turned to crime.
Fitzgerald Y, a
stockbroker from Mayfair, was attacked near his
home. ‘They’ve no right to do this,’
he told police. ‘They said my Rolex was
going to pay for after school clubs for kids on
council estates. If I hadn’t been mugged, I
certainly wouldn’t have given anything to
that sort of undeserving rabble.’
No stratum of
society has been spared. Leroy X, a South London
drug dealer, was returning home with several
thousand pounds after a successful day of dealing
when four smartly dressed men with middle class
accents approached him. ‘They grabbed me
an’ said I was bein’ mugged for charity,’
he angrily told reporters. ‘They said me
cash would be payin’ for wells in f****n’
Africa.’
Charity burglaries
have also increased, with televisions, media
players and computers either being fenced for
funds to help Third World projects, or being
shipped directly to those in need.
There is evidence
that this is an international problem. Blackmail
is suspected to be behind the timely provision of
tents and emergency supplies to relieve the
humanitarian crisis in North Africa. ‘We
became suspicious when aid arrangements were put
in place in good time to address a long predicted
famine,’ said an Interpol spokesman.
‘The official international response has
characteristically been “too little: too
late”, so we immediately knew something was
wrong.’
The politicians
and captains of industry who made substantial
personal donations to avert the disaster denied
that they had been victims of blackmail. ‘I
was going to give the money anyway...oops,’
said one senior European leader.
Church leaders
have condemned events such as Mugging-Aid,
Burgling-Aid and Armed-Building-Society-Robbery-Aid.
It is believed, however, that profits from such
activities have funded a number of church roof,
spire and tower repairs via the seemingly
innocuous Fell-Off-The-Back-Of-A-Lorry-Aid
and Bought-From-A-Man-Down-The-Pub-Aid.
It is even
reported that traditional criminal organisations
are concerned about the infiltration of
undercover charity workers into their ranks.
‘We are aware that funds earmarked for
contract killings have been diverted to housing
projects for the poor in Naples,’ confessed
a Mafia spokes-hit-person.
Official advice to
members of the public is to remain calm. If
approached by someone with a charity collecting
box, however, the safest option remains to hand
over wallets or handbags to avoid the risk of
escalating violence.
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