Casketech
Winner of the April/May
2007 humour writing contest on the Humor
and Life, in Particular Website
You may have read of the
horrific experiences of those pronounced dead in
hospital only to recover consciousness in the
hospital mortuary.
Hospitals have since worked
hard to improve staff discipline such that
patients are not declared dead simply because
they have annoyed nursing staff or because their
consultants have wished to leave early for the
day. Nevertheless, public confidence has been
shaken, and demand has arisen for fail-safe
systems to avoid the risk of being buried or
cremated alive.
My company, Casketech, has
reacted to this by manufacturing hi-tech coffins
with an eye to this NQDY (Not Quite Dead Yet)
market.
The personal inconvenience
of live burial was recognised in the Victorian
era, and mechanical signalling apparatus was
devised to allow coffin occupants to communicate
with those six feet above. In this modern age,
the preference has been for more sophisticated
technology.
Our Cadaver Communicator
range has become very popular, featuring, as it
does, telephone, fax and broadband Internet
connection. Top of the range models are also
equipped with satellite television and a computer
games console to pass the time whilst awaiting
disinterment.
Taking such technology to
the grave has also prompted developments in
Spiritualist Churches, which now routinely hold e-seances.
This is despite some cases of unfortunate and
tragic confusion between communication from beyond
the grave and communication from within it.
Those not reassured by our
products alone can engage a ‘personal burial
consultant’. Such advisors are interred with
the suspected deceased and observe them until a
confirmatory level of decomposition had occurred.
Coffins to allow such a precaution need, of
course, to be equipped with air, water and food
supplies, together with cooking, bathroom and
sleeping facilities. Some of our deluxe models
are now being resold as low cost housing despite
the alarm initially caused by people emerging
from the ground in cemeteries. Fundamentalist
Christians were particularly disappointed when it
was clarified that this behaviour did not herald
Judgement Day.
Coffins for cremations have
posed particular design problems. Cremations do
not allow the luxury of time for communication
and rescue afforded by conventional burial, and
so the emphasis must be on rapid escape.
One of the earlier designs
from our Get Up And Go range incorporated
technology derived from the ejection seat of the
F-111 fighter-bomber. The provisionally departed
being, of course, fully equipped with protective
clothing and a crash helmet.
In the case of a real
revival, the congregation and church authorities
might well consider any collateral damage to be a
small price to pay for a family to be reunited
with a loved one. Some faulty release mechanisms,
however, led to several individuals, who had
genuinely passed over, dramatically leaving their
memorial services.
The televised flight of a
much-respected dignitary from his coffin in the
aisle of Westminster Abbey, through the North
Rose Window, over the Houses of Parliament and
into the Thames was one such example. Fortunately,
the sudden inspiration of the Archbishop of
Canterbury to conduct the proceedings as a burial
at sea was a masterstroke of improvisation that
saved the day.
Finally, remember our
billboard advert which is totally black except
for a speech bubble which reads ‘I wish
I’d gone to Casketech!!’. Come and see
us before it’s too late.
|
