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A Man of a Few More Words - by Swan Morrison

Promotin' Effective Parentin'

I’d never bin able to control me kids. They’d just done what they liked an’ kept gettin’ into trouble.

Then, about three years back, I got a visit from the Council. They said the Government ‘ad decided to solve the problem of young people’s anti-social behaviour once an’ for all. They was goin’ to take their parents to court, an’ maybe send us to prison.

At first I thought this was a stupid idea thought up by some ignorant, right wing, middle class twit of a politician who ‘ad no concept of the complex interrelationships between social deprivation, education an’ anti-social behaviour. Either it was the first thought they’d ever ‘ad on the subject or the first thought they believed might get ‘em votes from other ignorant, right wing, middle class twits who ‘ad no concept of the complex interrelationships between social deprivation, education an’ anti-social behaviour.

‘Ow wrong I was. I ended up in prison, sure enough, but it was the best thing that ever ‘appened for me an’ me kids. From the day I was released, the kids ‘ave never bin in trouble again.

When I got out, I gave me eldest, Tom, a good talkin’ to. In prison, I’d spend a lot of time with Fingers McNab from cell twenty-three. ‘E’d explained the best way to break into ‘ouses; which areas to target; ‘ow to plan the location an’ timin’ of break-ins to fool the police; an’ ‘ow to safely fence the nicked stuff. Fingers was caught when ‘e was grassed-up by a mate. ‘E reckoned if ‘e’d worked alone an’ never said nothin’ to no one, ‘e’d ‘ave got away with it.

Tom’s a bright lad, an’ ‘e’s made a fortune usin’ Fingers’ methods, without the Bill ever ‘avin’ a clue.

I next spoke to me lad, George. ‘E’s always bin keen on gardenin’ an’ so really took to the tips about growin’ cannabis that Leroy from cell thirty-five ‘ad passed on to me. Leroy was caught ‘cos ‘e got greedy. ‘E reckoned ‘e should ‘ave stopped when ‘e’d made a million.

George reached that target six months ago an’ shut down ‘is cannabis factory in the attic.

‘Enry, me youngest, is great on the computer, so ‘e really liked the Internet scams that got Pete from cell fifty-four nicked. Pete said ‘e should have covered ‘is tracks better, so ‘Enry worked from me van usin’ different unencrypted wireless networks. ‘E then used software to keep ‘is ‘ard drive bleached. Finally, ‘e followed Leroy’s Golden Rule of not gettin’ greedy, an’ quit when ‘e’d made two million.

Me, I’ve always bin into cars, an’, with the advice and contacts I got from John in cell eighty-one, I made nearly a million from nickin’ an’ sellin’-on high value, top end motors.

Well, ‘ere we all are in our new villa on Spain’s Costa Tropical. We’re all gonna take a break for a few months an’ then start up a couple of legit businesses to keep our new lifestyle tickin’ over.

As I sit ‘ere by the pool, drinkin’ Cava, I only wish I could thank whoever it was that suggested imprisoning deprived and disadvantaged parents with poor parenting skills as a way of stoppin’ their kids gettin’ arrested. It was a stroke of fuckin’ genius.


Further examples of such "strokes of fuckin' genius":