Hello, Doctor. I
gather youve got my test results?
Yes, Mr Morrison.
Please sit down. Heres the printout of your
genetic code, your genome.
What does it all mean?
Well, our genetic
code is the blueprint for how our bodies are made.
Once, it took years to get this information. Now
we can obtain a complete genome in ten minutes
from just one strand of hair. It tells us if
patients are at risk of developing certain
medical conditions. Treatments or lifestyle
changes can then be recommended to reduce risks.
What have you found
genes that cause fat, sugar and salt to be
metabolised unusually quickly. That means
its important you eat a lot of takeaways,
cakes, chocolate and snack foods. It would also
be best to avoid vegetables.
I see. Are there
other lifestyle factors I should bear in mind?
How much alcohol do
Two glasses of wine a
not enough. Youve genes which lead to over
activity of the liver. Its important to
give the liver lots to do. Processing alcohol is
How much should I
A wine box a day.
Perhaps a few beers and the odd scotch too - just
to be safe.
That sounds expensive.
Dont worry. Due
to your medical condition, wine, beer and spirits
can be supplied free by the National Heath
Service. Just order them at the pharmacy as you
leave. Theyll deliver to your door.
What are the genes
marked on the chart in red?
theyre a particular problem. Youre at
very high risk of difficulties in the genital
That sounds worrying.
Is there any treatment?
Theres one very
effective therapy, but it requires you to have
very regular sex with a constant stream of
attractive young women. Once again, dont
worry. We can arrange for these to be provided
free by the NHS. Heres a catalogue.
My wife may object.
sometimes initially raise some concerns, but our
community nurse can assist her in coming to terms
with your therapy. Also, there are support groups.
Is that everything?
Not quite. You could
be prone to problems with the muscles that
control your eyes. Its important that they
undertake sufficient movement, but its also
critical to avoid tiring yourself with
unnecessary exercise. We often recommend staying
in bed until at least lunchtime every day whilst
watching football on TV - Sky sports channels are
available on prescription. That also provides an
excellent opportunity to administer medicinal
alcohol and undertake sexual therapy.
My employer might
have a problem with all that time away from work.
I can sign a
certificate so your boss allows you time off for
treatment. You have a right to expect support for
your disabilities. With your complex medical
problems, youll need understanding and
sympathy from everyone, possibly for years. Do
you think youll be able to cope with the
treatments and lifestyle demands?
Well, spookily, I
already engage in some, and Ive thought
Id like to try the others.
how the body sometimes unconsciously knows what
it needs. I think, if you can stick to the regime,
youll have a very good prognosis.
Thank you, Doctor.
Ill do my best. Good day.