Signed On
‘Hello Mr Olden. What
seems to be the trouble?’
‘Well, doctor, I
can’t cope with work anymore. I’m worn
out.’
‘I thought you retired
last year?’
‘I did. That’s
the problem. I started off just doing a bit of
volunteer driving for Age Concern. Then I was
asked to help out with door to door charity
collecting. Then I got involved with arranging
events for a local charity for Africa. One
voluntary commitment led to another, and it’s
all just spiralled out of control.’
‘I see.’
‘All the volunteering
and charity work is taking up every day, seven
days a week. I can’t go on.’
‘This is an increasing
problem among the retired, I’m afraid.
It’s good that you’ve recognised it and
come for help. Many people just try to struggle
on until they collapse with exhaustion.’
‘Can you help, doctor?
I thought you could prescribe some amphetamines.
I wouldn’t need to sleep so much then and so
could fit more in.’
‘I don’t think
that’s quite the right approach, Mr Olden. I
think you need a complete break. I’m going
to sign you on for six weeks.’
‘Sign me on?’
‘Well, yes. You’re
not in paid employment, so I can’t sign you
off. If you’re signed on it means that
you’re not well enough to do charitable or
voluntary work. You can show the certificate to
the charities. You needn’t feel guilty about
it because it’s doctor’s orders.’
‘Thank you, doctor,
that’s just what I need. What do I do while
I’m signed on?’
‘There’s a local
employment centre you can attend which is
specially geared to people with your needs.’
‘What happens there?’
‘Well, you turn up at
9.00 am from Monday to Friday and undertake paid
employment. You needn’t work particularly
hard as you’ll get paid the same whatever
you do, and anyway you’ll hate the company
and your boss so you won’t feel particularly
motivated.’
‘Just like before I
retired.’
‘Exactly.’
‘Will I be able to go
in late and then skive off down the pub most
lunchtimes and not come back?’
‘The Centre insists
upon it, although the rest of the programme will
be targeted to your specific needs.’
‘In what way?’
‘You can select from
options such as having an affair with a colleague,
taking a sickie or being on strike. In fact,
I’ve an arrangement with the Centre that
I’ll sign off patients at the drop of a hat
on virtually any spurious pretext of their choice.’
‘Just like a real job.’
‘Precisely.’
‘If you signed me off
work at the Employment Centre, does that
mean I wouldn’t be signed on
anymore?
‘Not exactly.
You’d be signed on and signed off at the
same time. Being signed on would allow a guilt
free break from the voluntary work. Being signed
off would allow you to avoid your employment.’
‘I don’t suppose
you could give me certificates now to both sign
me on and sign me off? Then I could just go home,
potter round in the garden and have a nice,
restful time.’
‘No problem… Here
are your certificates.’
‘Thank you very much,
doctor. I feel better already.
‘Excellent, Mr Olden.
See you in six weeks.’
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