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A Man of a Few More Words - by Swan Morrison

Spiritual Aviation

It seems strange, looking back, that so many of us from religious communities had taken air travel for granted. Few of us had given any thought to how aeroplanes could fly.

It was thus with increasing unease that we began to learn from religious journals how powered flight was entirely a product of science.

Although many of us were unclear about the doctrines of science, we were aware that this particular perversion of the human intellect had led to the heinous lie of evolution. Indeed, many of us had campaigned to absent our children from school science lessons to avoid their young minds being corrupted. Those of faith were therefore appalled to discover that their safety at thirty-five thousand feet might rest on similar such heresies.

Following these revelations, those of our number prepared to risk air travel fell dramatically.

In response, airlines recruited Multi-Faith Spiritual Flight Crew Teams or MFSFCTs to compliment the technical flight crews on all aircraft. The well publicised role of such teams was to undertake appropriate prayers, rituals and offerings to ensure safe takeoffs, flights and landings.

I was appointed as leader of such a team. I am an evangelical Christian, although, to quell public fears, MFSFCTs were selected to include all beliefs - including those of the New Age movement.

Reassured by these precautions, believers again took to the air.

All went well until funding issues compelled airlines to make a choice between employing more spiritual seers or employing more aircraft maintenance engineers. Public opinion took a ‘better safe than sorry’ stance and the airlines bowed to this pressure in their recruitment of more prophets and mystical visionaries.

For additional safety, increased quantities of blue topaz were provided to New Age healers on all flights. It was hoped that the action of the gemstone in focusing chi energy could be utilised to rebalance the yin and yang of increasingly unpredictable aero engines.

Then, inexplicably, there occurred an unprecedented number of air crash disasters. Prayers, rituals and offerings by MFSFCTs were fervently intensified, but still the carnage escalated until most aircraft that managed to falteringly ascend from a runway subsequently plummeted from the skies.

At this point that I was asked to lead the newly formed Spiritual Air Crash Investigation Department.

Spiritual air crash investigation has significant advantages over the so-called scientific air crash investigation of old. In particular, there is no need to painstakingly reconstruct aircraft wreckage. Prayer and contemplation from a remote location provides all the required information.

My department can thus confirm generic spiritual causes for the virtual cessation of successful air travel.

As was concluded by our scientific predecessors, we have found that air disasters are often not the result of a single catastrophic event, but result from a combination of interacting factors. We have concluded that all disasters since the inception of the MFSFCTs have been due to God’s accumulated wrath at aspects of human evil. In particular, the increasing global acceptance of homosexuality and the movement of the Anglican Church towards the ordination of women.

It remains an enigma, of course, why one airline is still able to fly world-wide without difficulty. We can only conclude that the aircraft flown by the Oxford based carrier DawkinsAir are borne aloft by the hand of the Devil!


Suggested further reading or viewing:

The Official Richard Dawkins Website
The James Randi Educational Foundation
Skeptic Magazine
Richard Wiseman
Derren Brown - Messiah
Penn and Teller - Bullshit!