I had dreamed of becoming an
Since playing in many a scene
At school and in amateur drama.
I longed for the cinema screen.
strove to attend drama college
And passed all exams from the start.
I graduated with distinction
Then started to search for a part.
my joy when my agent
Found my very first role on TV:
In Morse with the spires of Oxford
In the opening scene I would be.
turned to some disappointment
When I learned I would not make a sound,
But simply float face down in water
In the Thames - as a victim who drowned.
role, though, then led to another:
In The Bill yet another cop
My foot now appeared in a mortuary scene
With a label tied round my big toe.
worried about being typecast,
But the payments I could not forego
As the corpse in the library Miss Marple
Or a body exhumed by Poirot.
finally spoke to my agent:
You must find a new genre, I
I will never break into the
If I only play people whore dead.
found a new part, though not speaking
In an advert to be on TV
To promote the effects of a haemorrhoid
Portraying relief would be me!
Diarrhoea, a thrush remedy,
Constipation, verrucas and unwanted hair,
Gonorrhoea then warts and acne.
had dreamed of the public
Recognising my face in the street.
Now I dreaded the eagle-eyed fan who
Youre the one with the clap
and bad feet!
then that repeats of the cop shows
Brought a regular income from fees.
And the wart ad - it took off in China
Producing its own royalties.
just earned enough to retire
When a script arrived for me to see.
My agent said it was the part of a
That could have been written for me.
heroines many conditions
Id portrayed in my advert heyday,
And right at the start of the opening
She keeled over - and then passed away.
career, it had led to that moment.
It was also my first speaking part:
Just prior to tumbling down to the ground
I screamed Ahh and then
clutched at my heart.
regret now my lack of an Oscar,
But a great consolation to me
Is that death and unsocial diseases
Were portrayed with extreme quality.
now in Spain in a villa.
An actress, I say, when
If asked of the parts I have played, I
I dont talk of that, now