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A Man of a Few More Words - by Swan Morrison

The Olympian
(From an original idea by Alan Pinkett)

Peter greatly admired the achievements of British Olympians. He had watched the world beating performances of Sir Steve Redgrave, Linford Christie, Sally Gunnell and others and dreamed of one day joining their illustrious ranks. He imagined himself atop an Olympic podium, draped in a union flag, the notes of the British National Anthem drowned-out by cheers from a rapturous crowd.

There was, however, a problem. The great Olympians not only had outstanding aptitude for their sports but demonstrated unstinting dedication. His heroes and heroines had committed themselves to years of rigorous training in order to achieve their goals. Peter, by contrast, was disinclined to expend undue effort on his quest for Olympic glory.

It was to resolve this dilemma that Peter studied a list of Olympic sports in search of the least demanding.

He discarded activities requiring strength or physical fitness and thus focussed upon shooting events. Remaining still and gently squeezing a trigger certainly met his athletic criteria. In addition, one event seemed to offer a solution to the problem of training and practice – the Ten Metre Air Pistol*.

Peter opened the connecting door between his living room and kitchen and paced from his sofa. It was exactly ten metres to the kitchen wall. He had found his Olympic event.

Peter purchased an air pistol and began his Olympic preparations. Every day he would lay on the sofa watching TV, a Guinness in one hand, his pistol in the other. Previously he had resented long TV commercial breaks, particularly as he paid additional subscriptions for the adult channels. Now, these intermissions afforded an ideal opportunity to blast away at targets nailed to the kitchen wall.

Within a year, Peter’s aim was so perfect that he decided to repair the peppered walls, ceilings, furniture and windows that testified to his earlier practice. He even replaced the cat.

Despite his proficiency at home, his first public competition was disappointing. Peter had missed with every shot and lost further points for accidentally despatching the host club’s cat.

The problem was obvious: He was unused to firing whilst standing or when sober. With appropriate adjustments to technique, his next competition performance impressed all. There was little question that Peter was destined to represent Great Britain at the forthcoming Olympics.


Peter’s team-mates carried his sofa into the Olympic arena and positioned his TV and DVD player.

As his Olympic competitors fired carefully aimed shots, Peter loaded his favourite XXXBabes DVD and downed his first can of Guinness.

Competitors were required to fire sixty shots within one hundred and five minutes. His team became increasingly anxious as Peter, having fired none, watched Lesbian Lovers to its end, leaving just one minute of the competition remaining.

Then, whilst finishing his tenth can of Guinness, Peter lifted his specially adapted semi-automatic air pistol and triumphantly fired sixty pellets into the targets’ centres.

Peter felt dizzy as he stood on the podium waving his Olympic gold medal. Perhaps he should have postponed the additional celebratory drinks until after the ceremony? Nevertheless, as he fell backwards off the podium, wrapped in the union flag and with the sounds of British National Anthem and the cheers of the crowd in his ears, he entered the happiest state of alcoholic unconsciousness of his life.

The Ten Metre Air Pistol is a genuine Olympic event.
If you read more about the event via the above link to Wikipedia you will note that Peter’s victory led to many changes in the rules of the sport.
These include firing from the standing position, loading only one pellet at a time and, most critically, all competitors being breathalysed.