The Sickness
Advisor
‘Hello Doreen. Thanks
for coming to see me. Please sit down.’
‘If it’s about my
sickness record in this company, I want my Union
rep present.’
‘Well, it is about
your absences, but not in any critical way.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘I’ve become very
concerned about how little time off sick our
other employees take. They appear to be
excessively dedicated to the Company. Jones from
Finance came to work last week with flu symptoms,
and I had to order him to go home when he
collapsed at his desk.’
‘What’s that got
to do with me?’
‘I think other staff
have had too little practice in being ill and
don’t know how to deal with it. You, on the
other hand, have enormous experience of taking
sick leave, and I thought you might be able to
advise your colleagues.’
‘What could I tell
them?’
‘For example, you seem
able to detect the onset of physical and
psychological maladies long before you show any
symptoms, sometimes weeks before. Your use of
preventative sick leave to forestall further
development of an illness is truly innovative.
Indeed, I consider myself most fortunate that you
can join me here today.’
‘I see.’
‘The therapeutic
approaches you use to promote your recovery are
also an example to all.’
‘What therapeutic
approaches?’
‘The late night
clubbing is one example. Also, I gather you
convalesced in Benidorm when you were stricken
with last month’s disabling condition.’
‘Who told you about
that?’
‘It doesn’t
matter. The important thing is that you’ve
just the practical expertise that this company
needs.’
‘What do you want me
to do?’
‘Give regular lectures
to staff about identification of illness and how
to give themselves the maximum possible time away
from work to recover. Also, accepting the role as
full time Company Sickness Advisor should enhance
staff perceptions of you.’
‘What staff
perceptions?’
‘There’s a
general scurrilous and defamatory misperception
that you’re a useless, idle malingerer. I
think both you and your Union rep would wish the
Company to take all possible measures to correct
this. Your new high profile role in regularly
telling staff full details of how you decide upon
and manage your absences will afford you a new
status.’
‘I’m not doing
that. That might reinforce the misperception that
I’m a useless, idle malingerer, and devious
and manipulative too!’
‘I’m sorry to
hear that as this task is well within your
existing job description. Refusal to undertake it
would force me to address the matter via a
disciplinary route, probably resulting in
dismissal.’
‘I’m not waiting
for the completion of a disciplinary process. I
resign!’
‘That’s your
decision, of course. You’re an excellent
employee and the Company will be very sorry to
lose you. We will, of course, give you first
class references, with no mention of your absence
record - just like those bastards you previously
worked for gave us.’
‘What did you say?’
‘I said we would give
you first class references, with no mention of
your sickness record – just like those
bright stars you previously worked for gave us.
We won’t hold you to a notice period if you
want to leave now.’
‘Perhaps I’ll go
then. To be honest, I don’t feel too good
and was going to take a sickie this afternoon,
anyway. Goodbye.’
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