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A Man of a Few More Words - by Swan Morrison

The Sport

Early in the twenty-first century, the British Government had begun to greatly encourage sport. It soon became apparent, however, that conflicting demands for resources from hundreds of different sporting organisations was highly inefficient. This led the Minister for Miscellaneous Loose Ends, who maintained responsibility for such matters, to return to fundamentals. What, he asked, was the purpose of sport?

On that point, there was universal agreement: The purpose of sport was to raise revenue through advertising and merchandising. It followed, therefore, that there was little point in having a multitude of unrelated sports: All should be combined to form a single, all-embracing entity – The Sport.

This concept was enthusiastically accepted. The Devil, however, was in the detail. Despite the inception of The Sport some thirty years ago, the International Sport Rules Formulation Committee has yet to complete its work. Should the offside rule apply, for example, if a player is holding a snooker cue while standing in the crease? How would that be modified if he or she were underwater and/or on horseback at the time? Similar problems have dogged the International Sport Pitch Specification Committee: How could it be possible, they have argued, to accommodate, on a relatively small table, up to twenty-seven players and a kangaroo?

All this was resolved, or at least made academic, by the International Sport Referees Committee. They concluded that, even if the rules and venue issues could be resolved, The Sport could never be played: The elements derived from cricket would lead to cancellation in rain or bad light; those derived from skiing could not accommodate high temperatures; those related to swimming could not cope with very low temperatures; those having their basis in English football would be called off due to mindless crowd violence, and so on. When the characteristics of all constituent sports were considered, there were no conditions in which The Sport would not be cancelled before it began.

For those of us who are international Sport superstars, this revelation came as something of a relief. Years of uncertainty about the rules, together with no practice or training, had made us very anxious about the prospect of being called upon to take to the field, track, pitch, pool, course, table or whatever.

Also, of course, where would we have found the time? As one of the world’s leading Sport stars, I have lucrative sponsorship deals with manufactures of watches, toiletry products, electronics, alcohol, crisps and fast food. Also supermarket chains, fashion houses and record companies. My time is totally devoted to photo shoots and product launches.

Many of my fellow superstars have entered the world of publishing. Inspired by the autobiography of Wayne Rooney, published in 2006, some recently conceived fertilised embryos in the pre-foetal stage have risen to Sport stardom and had their life stories, so far, ghost written in three hundred pages of unusually large script.

I, however, will shortly be retiring. Sales of Sport shirts with my name on the back, and my famous number, 786451462789.75, seem to have limitless sales potential in China. This revenue alone should keep me in comfort for the rest of my days. The Sport is definitely ‘The beautiful game’.