Top Tips for
Travellers to England
‘Happy
is England! I could be content to see no other
verdure than its own’
John Keats, 1817
We hope you enjoy your
first English holiday. But be aware that culture
and customs will differ from those at home.
Clothing:
When visiting a large
metropolis, such as London or Manchester, you
will need, in addition to normal clothing, a kevlar
jacket. These provide protection against knives
and some munitions. Cautious travellers might try
a helmet and shield. In major cities, an upgrade
of your hire car to an armoured troop carrier may
afford greater peace of mind.
Etiquette:
By law, everyone in England
must stop for tea at 4.00 pm each day. On hearing
the siren, calmly retire to the nearest teashop.
Remember that failure to pour the milk prior to
pouring the tea can incur a hefty fine!
Why not join a queue? There
will often be one available, but if you are with
a party, you might like to form your own - simply
line up behind one another.
It is customary to hand you
wallet or handbag to any young person with a gun.
Food and Drink:
Exploit opportunities to
sample traditional English fare. In restaurants,
ask for ‘a Chinese’ or ‘an Indian’
- the latter being traditionally eaten after ten
pints of extra strength Danish lager. You might
also enjoy a pizza or a kebab.
The famed English ‘Fish
and Chips’ comprises otherwise healthy fish
and potatoes cocooned in deadly saturated fats.
If etiquette demands acceptance of this dish, it
is best dropped on the nearest pavement. The
English adopt this practice, and streets on
Friday and Saturday evenings are often strewn
with discarded food together with comatose drunks
and those who, following consumption of ‘Fish
and Chips’, have experienced fatal heart
attacks.
Language:
English learned at home
will be of little value. English people, with the
exception of the Queen and some BBC newsreaders,
do not speak English. If you intend to converse
with the locals, then learn translations such as:
Yes: ‘Bleedin’
might as well.’
No: ‘Who‘re
you fuckin’ kiddin’?’
There are no equivalent
words or expressions in modern conversational
English for ‘Please’ or ‘Thank you’.
Conversation:
All English conversation
must include reference to the weather. This can
be a helpful conversation starter - for example,
you might state: ‘What ho, it is warm/cool
for this time of year, don’t you think?’
Remember that such references must be made in ALL
circumstances or it is considered to be ‘bad
form’. If you assist in a rescue at one of
the road traffic accidents you will encounter,
you might comment: ‘It is a particularly
inclement evening to be pulled from the burning
wreckage of your vehicle, do you not agree?’
and perhaps add: ‘Stiff upper lip, now. Pip,
pip.’
Sport:
The English national sport
is, of course, football. Rules are simple in that
gangs of ‘fans’ wander the streets in a
state of intoxication with the intent to kill
rival 'fans' and ‘foreigners’. You will
fall within the definition of a ‘foreigner’,
so this sport is best avoided.
Shopping and Souvenirs:
England is famous for its
illicit drugs, and don’t forget the
exceptional value afforded by eastern European
prostitution!!
Finally:
Enjoy the land of
Shakespeare, Milton, The Kray Twins and The
Yorkshire Ripper.
| 