The Short Humour Site

Home : Writers' Showcase : Submission Guidelines : A Man of a Few More Words : Links

A Man of a Few More Words - by Swan Morrison

You Are What You Eat

Members of the jury, as judge presiding in relation to this trial it is now my task to sum up the case for the defence before you retire to consider your verdict.

There is no doubt about the circumstances that led to the demise of Mr Romano ‘Spud’ Wilja. Nor that his demise was due to the deliberate actions of his wife. The question you must decide upon is whether she is guilty of murder.

You will recall that exhibit A was a photograph of flamingos. The defence pointed out that the pink colouration of their feathers was not an inherent characteristic but due to pigmentation absorbed from the creatures on which they fed. The defence then reminded you that there was much tribal folklore based on the premise that the characteristics of an animal would be assumed by those who consumed it. The courage of a lion, for example, might be gained by eating the heart of a lion. Expert witnesses then testified that there was a scientific basis to such beliefs. Indeed it had been proven that food we consumed could alter the very genetic structure of our cells.

The life history of Mr Wilja was then related. You heard of his habitual inactivity and his prodigious consumption of chips, crisps, waffles and other potato based food products. The defence thus contended that the genetic profile of Mr Wilja had become modified to the extent that his proper biological classification should be that of a potato.

The defence acknowledged that his wife had immersed him in boiling water, skinned him, sliced him, plunged those slices into a deep fat fryer and then eaten them. They challenged the assertion of the prosecution, however, that this constituted torture and cannibalism of a most bizarre and psychotic nature. They contended that her actions were, in fact, the entirely normal behaviour of any cook.

In addition, the defence went on to examine the genetic characteristics of Mrs Wilja. It was reported that she had developed a passion for chocolate from an early age and that her DNA profile had thus become indistinguishable from that of a bar of chocolate. In this context you were reminded that there was no legislation which governed the behaviour of confectionery towards stem tubers.

If you decide that a heinous crime has been committed against Mr Wilja, then you must find his wife guilty of murder. If, however, you accept the genetic modification argument, then you might like to join me in my office for elevenses, as I understand that the clerk of the court, having had a life long penchant for cocoa and biscuits, is now officially categorised as a chocolate digestive.