are not fully accurate. There is no lack of
interpretational skill by astrologers, but there
is an ancient covenant between exponents of this
mystic art. Our arcane brotherhood is committed
to foretelling positive aspects of the future,
but not causing distress or alarm with dire
Omens for the coming year,
however, are particularly fearful, so I believe
it my moral duty to reveal the whole truth:
Aries (March 21
- April 19)
You could avoid all forms of
transport, but this would be futile. The location
of Jupiter means that the emergency services will
be quickly to the scene. As the ambulance in
which you are travelling passes through the crash
barrier and over the cliff, however, the shark-infested
waters beneath will be the least of your concerns.
Taurus (April 20
- May 20)
Remember that serial killers can
strike in the most unexpected places and for the
most obscure of reasons.
Gemini (May 21 -
It is best to avoid electricity in
all its manifestations. The presence of Mars in
Pisces obscures from where the current will come:
Perhaps faulty house wiring or a slip when
crossing an electrified railway line. Perhaps a
lightning strike or a conviction for a minor
offence whilst on holiday in Texas. Prepare
yourself for a shock.
Cancer (June 21
- July 22)
The International Society of
Astrologers will finally accept the criticism
that popular predictions are too vague and non-specific.
You will die at 7.39 pm on 24th April.
Leo (July 23 -
The Samaritans will confirm that
your feelings of failure and lack of self worth
appear well founded.
Virgo (Aug 23 -
You should welcome a request for
your body to be donated to medical research. An
opportunity for scientists to investigate so many
painful and debilitating diseases, all with an
incredibly fast onset, will be a great benefit to
medicine. This will particularly apply to the
three terminal conditions.
Libra (Sept 23 -
You can expect international fame
when a particularly spectacular form of
spontaneous human combustion is named after you.
Scorpio (Oct 23
- Nov 21)
Beware of a partner or close
colleague who you trust completely. This person
has been deceiving you. He or she is clever,
however, and you will never discover any evidence
of dastardly behaviour. You know already to whom
this refers. The jury will say that the actions
you know you must now take were those of a
deranged, paranoid and highly dangerous lunatic.
You, however, will know you had no choice.
22 - Dec 21)
Pluto in Capricorn indicates a once
in a lifetime opportunity to interact with some
dramatic wild creatures. Uranus in Aquarius
indicates that a pride of starved lions will
escape from a nearby safari park. Some good news
and some bad news, then.
22 - Jan 19)
Your guilty secret will appear in
the national press.
Aquarius (Jan 20
- Feb 18)
Even if you have not have heard of
lycanthropy, it would still be unwise to venture
outside on the nights of the full moon.
Pisces (Feb 19 -
Your religious convictions will be
proven incorrect when, following Judgement Day,
you are damned to Hell for all eternity.