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A Man of a Few More Words - by Swan Morrison

Your True Horoscope

Astrological predictions are not fully accurate. There is no lack of interpretational skill by astrologers, but there is an ancient covenant between exponents of this mystic art. Our arcane brotherhood is committed to foretelling positive aspects of the future, but not causing distress or alarm with dire prognostications.

Omens for the coming year, however, are particularly fearful, so I believe it my moral duty to reveal the whole truth:

Aries (March 21 - April 19)
You could avoid all forms of transport, but this would be futile. The location of Jupiter means that the emergency services will be quickly to the scene. As the ambulance in which you are travelling passes through the crash barrier and over the cliff, however, the shark-infested waters beneath will be the least of your concerns.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Remember that serial killers can strike in the most unexpected places and for the most obscure of reasons.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
It is best to avoid electricity in all its manifestations. The presence of Mars in Pisces obscures from where the current will come: Perhaps faulty house wiring or a slip when crossing an electrified railway line. Perhaps a lightning strike or a conviction for a minor offence whilst on holiday in Texas. Prepare yourself for a shock.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
The International Society of Astrologers will finally accept the criticism that popular predictions are too vague and non-specific. You will die at 7.39 pm on 24th April.

Leo (July 23 - Aug 22)
The Samaritans will confirm that your feelings of failure and lack of self worth appear well founded.

Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
You should welcome a request for your body to be donated to medical research. An opportunity for scientists to investigate so many painful and debilitating diseases, all with an incredibly fast onset, will be a great benefit to medicine. This will particularly apply to the three terminal conditions.

Libra (Sept 23 - Oct 22)
You can expect international fame when a particularly spectacular form of spontaneous human combustion is named after you.

Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 21)
Beware of a partner or close colleague who you trust completely. This person has been deceiving you. He or she is clever, however, and you will never discover any evidence of dastardly behaviour. You know already to whom this refers. The jury will say that the actions you know you must now take were those of a deranged, paranoid and highly dangerous lunatic. You, however, will know you had no choice.

Sagittarius (Nov 22 - Dec 21)
Pluto in Capricorn indicates a once in a lifetime opportunity to interact with some dramatic wild creatures. Uranus in Aquarius indicates that a pride of starved lions will escape from a nearby safari park. Some good news and some bad news, then.

Capricorn (Dec 22 - Jan 19)
Your guilty secret will appear in the national press.

Aquarius (Jan 20 - Feb 18)
Even if you have not have heard of lycanthropy, it would still be unwise to venture outside on the nights of the full moon.

Pisces (Feb 19 - March 20)
Your religious convictions will be proven incorrect when, following Judgement Day, you are damned to Hell for all eternity.