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Lifestyle Police
The English middle classes aspire to the
healthy and fashionable lifestyles portrayed by the media. The
pace of modern life is fast, however, and there is limited time
to seek the latest fashions and most up-to-the-minute advice on
food and behaviour.
Initially, ‘Lifestyle Consultants’
filled this gap by providing direction on matters such as what to
wear, what to eat and where to be seen. It soon became apparent,
however, that clients remained dissatisfied. They had been
provided with the practical requirements of style but not with
the willpower to carry it through. Many still dressed badly -
despite wardrobes containing the height of fashion - because they
were too idle to do otherwise. They turned upon lifestyle
consultants, angrily complaining that no one had restrained their
unfashionable free-will.
A particular problem lay with healthy
eating. Many secretly bypassed the watercress and yoghurt in
favour of high-fat take-aways and then furiously demanded to know
why they had not been prevented.
So it was that my role as ‘Lifestyle
Policeman’ came into being. As an LP I am employed by a
lifestyle consultant to enforce a client’s ‘lifestyle
contract’. LPs each have lifestyle specialisms, mine being
healthy eating. Routine tasks include unannounced home visits to
check the refrigerator and other less obvious places where foods
may be hidden. Also covert surveillance of clients while shopping.
Sometime, however, emergency action is
required. Recent intelligence indicated one client to be in
possession of a pack of fresh cream cakes. My team of armed LPs
was immediately scrambled to surround the house. I called through
a megaphone for the occupant to throw the cakes out of a window
and leave the building with her hands on her head. In this
instance she complied, so there was no need for an escalation of
force.
Many people are surprised to learn that LPs
are armed. Agreement that LPs can use ‘lethal force’,
however, has proved to be a vital part of client contracts to
maintain individual motivation. Indeed, one particularly fashion-passionate
LP from the clothing team recently discovered a client wearing
last year’s colours. He felt he had no choice but summary
execution.
I was recently faced with such a dilemma
when my team stormed a property. On entering the kitchen, I found
the target standing just a foot away from a Black Forest gateaux.
I levelled my weapon and screamed for him to move slowly away
from the confectionery. He made a grab for it, and I was forced
to fire. It was not a pretty sight. The wall was spattered with
cherries, jam and sponge. The target was led away angrily
demanding why I had wasted the cake - sobbing that it should have
been him.
Government concern about obesity has, of
course, led to ‘Lifestyle Diet Court Orders’. Much of
my team’s work in now related to their enforcement.
Publicising names on the ‘Calorie Offenders Register’
has been of enormous value in gaining leads from the general
public. So if you see someone you suspect to be overweight,
eating high-calorie food, call ‘Freephone Fatbusters’.
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