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Making a Killing
The idea for my business arose when Mrs
Richardson-Smyth was imprisoned for conspiring to murder her
husband.
She made the mistake of enquiring amongst
locally known undesirables on the subject of contract hits. She
was not to know that it would be an undercover reporter who would
make contact, purporting to be a hit-man. Neither was she aware
that the entire proceedings, far from being confidential and
leading to huge inheritance and insurance payouts, would form a
documentary on prime-time television.
This was not an isolated case, however, and
bitter experience taught many that criminals and murderers could
often be somewhat dishonest individuals.
There was clearly a need in the middle and
upper class suburban market for dependable contract killing.
I realised that I needed some practical
experience and some additional capital, so the obvious first step
was to dispose of my own husband. I had, in any event, been
considering this for some time. He was a keen DIY enthusiast and
so was delighted when I appeared to share his interest by taking
a course in household electrics.
The police were very sympathetic when I
explained that Richard had been undertaking some DIY rewiring
which might have accounted for the bath taps becoming live.
The business grew through friends and word
of mouth as other wives and partners sought a partner elimination
service which was both reliable and confidential.
The ‘hobby-gone-tragically-wrong’
strategy has continued to be one of the most successful
approaches. Mr Geenslade’s interest in DIY car servicing was
accepted by the coroner as the reason why the brake pedal
detached itself as he drove down the steep hill from his house.
In addition, the evening class in car maintenance, which this
contract necessitated, has subsequently saved me a lot of money
on garage bills.
My local college has commended me for my
positive attitude in learning so many new skills at evening
classes following the tragic demise of my husband. These now
include; forestry conservation (You may recall Mr Henderson’s
fatal chainsaw accident); swimming and life saving (Although I
was unable to save poor Mr Patterson from drowning) and, of
course, archery and shooting (Mr Hilliar and Mr Maynard).
Parachute packing for Mr Frobisher-Jones
not only allowed a successful completion of the contract, but
also provided me with enough silk and nylon to make eight double
sheets.
There were some worrying police enquiries
following the last death. I had been interested in building my
business and had given little thought to the fact that all my
clients, thus far, were neighbours in the same village.
Thus a year has passed undertaking
contracts elsewhere. However, my village waiting list grew to
over fifty in the interim. Initially, I thought this impossible
both due to my time and the risk of raising further suspicions
about a cluster of deaths. Then I realised that my motor
maintenance skills could be employed once again.
Indeed, today is the day of the village men’s
coach outing to the mountains.
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