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The Clinic
‘Did Dr Scott explain why he referred
you to this clinic?’
‘He said I had CSHD.’
‘CSHD?’
‘I know it stands for ‘Chronic
Sense of Humour Deficit’. If it wasn’t for recorded
laughter on TV, I’d never know what was funny.’
‘Previous treatment?’
‘I tried self-help once.’
‘How?’
‘I watched the Monty Python Parrot
Sketch eight hundred times.... Why are you laughing?’
‘Er....Sorry.....Here at the humour
clinic we practice laughing regularly.’
‘I though you were laughing at me....lots
do. I try looking at myself in mirrors for hours, but I don’t
get the joke.....Is that hysterical laughter part of your
practice too?’
‘Er....yes.’
‘You people are really dedicated. How
does the treatment work?’
‘It’s essentially behavioural.
These syringes contain a chemical that acts on the brain in much
the same way as nitrous oxide - what used to be called ‘laughing
gas’. We expose you to humourous stimuli under the effects
of the drug until there is an association between the stimuli and
the activation of the brain’s humour centres.’
‘What humour do you use?’
‘Initially, I’d recommend you for
the ‘Everyday Humour’ programme.’
‘Is that people slipping on banana
skins or walking into lamp posts?’
‘Definitely not. The Department of
Health very closely regulates the humourous stimuli used. They
mustn’t include misfortune or anything likely to distress.
Module one of the programme contains innocent humourous comments
by small children, asides by presenters of early evening news
programmes and the ‘Life’s Like That’ column from
the Readers Digest. Module two covers jokes.’
‘I’ve always wanted to laugh at
the one about the Irishman, the West Indian and the nun....’
‘We won’t be using that, I’m
afraid. The regulations require all jokes take full account of
cultural and ethnic sensibilities, not portray stereotypes, and
characters may not be identified by age, gender, race, religion,
ethnic origin or sexual orientation. Jokes also, of course, must
meet EU standards on line length, syllables in the punch line etc.’
‘Tell me one.’
‘Well, there’s the one about the
person who comments that he or she has just gone to the bank. A
second person asks if he or she had withdrawn money, to which the
first replies not, because it had been a river bank.’
‘Do people laugh at that?’
‘It sometimes takes several months and
quite high doses of the drug - even for those without CSHD. You
won’t get treatment outside Eastern Europe using unregulated
humour, though. That ended in this country when Dr Sahid of
Harley Street was struck off for using ‘Four-and-twenty
virgins came down from Inverness’.’
‘When could I start treatment?’
‘On the NHS....about five years.’
‘But.....my doctor said if I wasn't
treated now, by Christmas I might be....................................boring!’
‘Private treatment is available for £50,000.
You’ll get the best care, however. I and all my therapists
are fully qualified comedians.’
‘Is that why you’re wearing that
red nose and pantomime boobs?’
‘Yes.’
‘I’ll have to sell my house, but
I have no choice.’
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