Caught On Camera
I was not expecting to
emulate the UK nature programme, Springwatch,
when I set-up a modest, motion activated wildlife
camera and video recorder in a wooded area at the
end of my garden. I was therefore delighted when
I filmed a fox on my first evening.
I had assumed this to be
the sort of beginners luck that one often
receives at the start of a new project, so I was
doubly delighted when the second night produced
footage of not only the fox but also of a
hedgehog and a badger.
The neighbours were
fascinated as I proudly showed off the fauna that
lived behind our houses.
Did you film any
wildlife, last night? said my neighbour,
George, as I as passed him on the way to the
village shop, later on that first week.
Er, no, I said,
hesitantly. We cant expect something
In fact, that was not
entirely true. I had filmed something on
the previous evening, but I remained very unsure
as to what it had been.
It had been filmed in total
darkness, and the creature had appeared at the
far extremity that the camera could register
using its infra-red lights. It had appeared to be
about eight feet tall, covered with hair and
walking in a bipedal manner.
Frankly, it resembled those
daft images of Bigfoot or Yeti to which they
devote endless, inconclusive documentaries on the
National Geographic Channel. I therefore
thought it best to keep the matter secret, lest I
be accused of being one of those nutters who
promote the existence of large, undiscovered
species in well-populated, rural areas.
The next evenings
viewing, however, added to my dilemma. The same
creature wandered up to the camera and inspected
it so closely that it was impossible not to
record crystal clear, HD images of something that
looked like a cross between a Neanderthal and
Chewbacca, the Wookiee.
I was tempted to call the
local newspaper, but I had my house up for sale,
and I was very unclear about the impact on
property prices that the residence of some large
hominid - possibly a member of the only surviving
colony of such creatures from prehistoric times -
might have. Also prospective purchasers were
visiting later in the week, and I did not want
all the disruption in our road that a media
circus would cause.
I was relieved, therefore,
when almost nothing but foxes, badgers, hedgehogs,
domestic cats, deer and small rodents were caught
on video during the following few evenings. I say
almost nothing, because admittedly there
were a few clear images of a leopard, a puma and
what I assumed, from drawings on the Internet, to
be a chupacabra. I guessed that they, or members
of their colonies, may have been responsible for
the mysterious butchering of cattle, sheep and
horses on local farms. Mind you, I was certainly
not going to have my home overrun by the bunch of
lunatics that pursue such sightings in England,
so I carefully edited the creatures from the
footage that I showed to the neighbours.
After that, I was faced
with no problems for a week until I looked at a
recording that began with a strange light
appearing in the western sky. Of all the bloody
places on Earth they could have chosen to land
their spacecraft, why, oh why did they choose to
put it down right in front of my camera?
The details of the flying
saucer were perfectly recorded, including glyphic
inscriptions on its hull. The main doors opened
facing the camera, and four extra-terrestrials,
of the type I believe to be known as greys,
descended a ramp.
I watched as they walked
towards the house of my neighbour, Lydia. Shortly
afterwards, they returned carrying a shouting and
screaming Lydia. They bundled her into their
craft; the ramp withdrew; the doors in the side
of the spaceship closed, and the vehicle lifted
About four hours later,
just before dawn, the craft returned to the same
spot. The doors opened and one of the greys
kicked an animated and abusive Lydia out of the
ship and onto the grass.
I was surprised
somehow I had always imagined that alien
abductors would remove and return their captives
quietly, whilst sleeping, using some kind of
Have you heard the
latest about Lydia? George said to me as I
passed him on the way to the shop on the
Lydia was known to be
rather eccentric. She frequented mediums and had
all manner of strange beliefs that did not fully
align with an English, middle-class, village
No, I replied,
with a certain lack of veracity,
that she was abducted by aliens last night in a
flying saucer, George replied, barely
containing his laughter.
Stranger things have
happened, I said with a smile that George
chose to interpret as ironic.
On the following week, I
encountered George once more.
They say that Lydia
may be in the psychiatric unit for some time,
he said. It appears that not only does she
think she was abducted by aliens, but that
Bigfoots or Yetis lives in the woods behind our
houses together with some of those mythical, wild
creatures that attack livestock.
I gave a nervous smile.
Have you filmed
anything interesting on the wildlife camera, this
week? he continued, changing the subject.
Oh, Ive given
up on that, I said. It was fun to
begin with, but I got a bit bored with seeing the
same thing every night. Now that I know
whats at the end of the garden, I
dont need to film it anymore.
Hows the house
move going? he added.
Ive accepted an
excellent offer, I replied. The place
seems ideal for them. Theyre from the city
and want to get away from it all to somewhere
thats always quiet and peaceful.
to the right place, George confirmed.
Nothing ever happens around here.