Government
Announces Plans To Reduce Road Accidents
Involving Cyclists
The Government has today
announced plans aimed at reducing the number of
road accidents involving cyclists.
‘Successive
governments have been worried about the safety of
cyclists in Britain for very many years,’
admitted Secretary of State for Transport,
Patrick McLoughlin. ‘The problem has
escalated significantly, however, during the past
twelve months as thousands of our more
impressionable and trend-conscious citizens have
acted out fantasies of being either Bradley
Wiggins or Victoria Pendleton. As a result,’
he concluded, ‘we must take action
to reduce the risks. We intend to adopt a three
year cycling safety strategy proposed by the
National Road Safety Association, the NRSA.’
‘It would be quite
pointless,’ explained Dr. Joan Juay Street,
Spanish born Chair of the NRSA, ‘to attempt
to introduce even elementary safety regulation in
relation to bicycles. This has been proposed in
the past, and there has always been massive
opposition from cyclists. The prospect of
legislation to improve their safety has always
been viewed by them as an attack on their civil
liberties comparable to Hitler invading Poland.
We are therefore adopting an indirect approach:
'The first phase involves
the production of a new type of road vehicle. The
design criteria are very simple: It has to be
powered only by the driver, it has to be easily
able to travel at twenty or thirty miles an hour,
and it has to be inherently unstable. We are
running a competition for primary school children
to design one. We think they will make it look
nice,’ explained Dr. Street, ‘but their
degree of technical knowledge should ensure that
it is breathtakingly dangerous in use. We are
going to call it a “peramburover”.
‘We are then going to
market peramburovers so that, by the end of the
first year of the strategy, as many people as
possible will own one.’
‘The law in relation
to peramburovers will, of course, be as important
as the design of the vehicles, themselves,’
explained Sergeant Fred Peddler, police advisor
to the NRSA. ‘Anyone of any age will be able
to easily own one, and there will be no
requirement for any training or licensing
whatsoever before driving one on the busiest of
major roads. There will also be no compulsory
safety equipment required by the driver, in any
form. There may be a few laws made about
roadworthiness, such as lights for use at night,’
he added. ‘We will ensure, however, that all
these laws are virtually unenforceable and any
penalties are derisory. Driving an unroadworthy
peramburover completely naked in rush hour
traffic while listening to music through
headphones, filling in a crossword and swigging
gin might lead to a caution for indecent exposure,
but no legal action would be likely in relation
to road safety.
‘Peramburover drivers
will also be encouraged to ignore all
inconvenient traffic regulations,’ Sergeant
Peddler continued, ‘particularly in relation
to traffic lights, pedestrian crossings, the
direction of one-way streets and the distinction
between roads and pavements. We also want to see
as many peramburovers as possible on the roads
during the rush hour, especially in major cities.
‘Further advice will
be publicised in the peramburoverists’
newsletter, Kamikaze. This will include
advanced peramburover driving techniques such as
undertaking on the blind side of a bus or a large,
turning, articulated lorry. Kamikaze
will also have a page for adolescents,
encouraging them on matters such as obtaining
peramburovers that are ridiculously too small for
them.’
Critics have argued that
the above plans for the rollout of peramburovers
will lead to carnage on our roads with massive
numbers of pointless and unnecessary road
casualties.
‘I rather fear that
this will initially be the case,’ conceded
Dr. Street. ‘The main task in the second
year of the strategy will be to document all
those accidents and make recommendations for
increased safety. I suppose that might lead us to
propose the same sort of basic, common sense
regulations that govern the use of 50cc mopeds.
‘In the third year of
the strategy,’ he continued, ‘the
government will implement the new regulations and
we will monitor the expected radical improvement
in accident statistics.
‘The final part of the
strategy,’ Dr. Street concluded, ‘will
be to discuss our whole experience of the
peramburover project with the cycling lobby to
explore if any parallels can be drawn, and
lessons learned, that might improve the safety of
cyclists.’
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