Hello Mr Olden. Thank
you for letting me interview you for BBC news.
No problem, son.
You are Englands
oldest man, at one hundred and eighteen years.
So they say.
To what do you
attribute your longevity?
probably down to a number of things. For example,
Ive never exceeded my maximum recommended
daily alcohol intake.
shows that must have contributed to your long
I suppose it did. But
then all my friends kept getting rat-arsed and
having a better time than I did. I was always too
sober to let myself go. Also, I was always the
Did you follow other
healthy lifestyle guidelines?
I maintained a strict
Statistics show that
would have added eight years to your life.
I hate soddin
vegetables. I dont know why I did it.
gather you never succumbed to un-prescribed drugs.
Even when my friends
were stoned out of their heads and having the
time of their lives
I must have been
move on to your exercise regime?
Oh yes. A five mile
run every morning; a two mile swim every evening.
Never missed a day.
I loathed it. My
psychiatrist said it was driven by an underlying
obsessive-compulsive disorder. I couldnt
about sexual restraint?
I saved myself until
marriage, and then Mavis and I did, well you
know, every three months. I was never unfaithful.
Despite the dreadful
moral example that I gather was set by your
They were all
swinging, and screwing anything that moved
I wish Id joined them
What stopped me?
happily married for fifty-five years?
ditched the frigid old bitch and shacked-up with
the au pair.
hundred and eighteen years of healthy living, do
you have any advice for our viewers?
I wish Id got
regularly pissed, stoned on dope, scoffed yummy
grub, lazed around all day and screwed as often,
and in the variety of ways, that my friends did.
If youd have
done all that, you might have died thirty years
It's true that all my
old friends pased away thirty years ago, but I
would have died happy, with them. For the last
thirty years, Ive just been surrounded by
the tedious healthy living brigade, banging on
about diet and exercise. George next door was a
real lifestyle zealot. He probably wouldve
lived to be older than me.
What happened to him?
Well, I suppose I can
tell you, now. Its too late to make any
difference. I got so sick of him evangelising
about his lifestyle that I killed him last week.
Hes buried under the patio.
I think I
ought to be leaving now
Do you have a final
message for todays young people from your
long experience of healthy living?
I certainly do.
Ignore it. Do what the hell you like
lives for ever, and lifes not a
soddin longevity contest.
Thank you Mr
Olden. Good night.