London 2012
Olympic Opening Ceremony Exposes Non-existent
Countries
The international community
is trying to come to terms with the shock
revelation that some countries with which nations
have links, simply do not exist.
Two hundred and four
countries were represented at the opening
ceremony of London 2012, and it is now clear that
at least eight had been invented.
George Baker, President of
the People’s Democratic Republic of Yaminia,
admitted his reservations about entering a team
for London 2012. ‘Many of us started making-up
countries for a laugh,’ he explained.
‘We were surprised that our spoof nations
were so readily accepted by governments, sporting
bodies, companies and other organisations without
adequate geographical verification. I thought it
was risky for so many of us to enter teams for
the Olympics,’ he continued. ‘The part
of the opening ceremony in which all teams
process into the Olympic Stadium always gets a
bit tedious for spectators and viewers, and it
was likely that some of the billion people
watching would Google the countries they
hadn’t heard of, to help pass the time.
Someone was bound to discover that a number did
not exist.’
Jacques Rogge, President of
the International Olympic Committee, rapidly
convened a press conference to minimise the
impact of this revelation on the Games. ‘The
eight bogus countries identified so far have been
suspended from the IOC,’ he told reporters.
‘A quick head count within those teams has
indicated that many of their athletes do not
exist, either, but those who are real will not be
allowed to compete at the Games.’
‘I’m extremely
disappointed,’ said one banned athlete,
Peter Harris from the Masodian Republic of
Crotinia. ‘I’d really been looking
forward to competing in the Olympic Taekwondo
competition. I’d even brought a book that
explains the rules, and I’d been practising
a bit in the last week or two.’
This news from the Olympics
has prompted other organisations to verify the
existence of member countries and states. Of most
concern is the discovery that at least four
member countries of the United Nations are
fictitious.
John Handly, who leads the
non-existent Zaharian Territories from his garage
in Bolton, was philosophical about the phone call,
early this morning, from the Secretary-General of
the United Nations. Ban Ki-moon told him that he
should collect his stuff from the UN building
asap. ‘I’m surprised we got away with
it for so long.’ Supreme Ruler Handly told
BBC News. ‘It was great fun voting on UN
resolutions, though. It must have been even more
fun for the fake country on the UN Security
Council. I'll certainly miss the IMF loans and
the EU subsidies,’ he added.
The end of uncritical
acceptance of bogus countries has also averted a
potential international crisis. It has emerged
that the recent decision by Joyce Smith, Queen of
Garanaland, to declare war on the Democratic
Republic of Toboglo could have led to a wider
conflict.
‘Joyce lives next door,’
explained Henry Gibbons, President of Toboglo,
from his home in Huddersfield. ‘I
didn’t take her too seriously when she said
that if I didn’t cut down my leylandii trees,
she would declare war. After all,’ he told
Sky News, ‘it’s just her and her mum
who are Garanaland nationals, and Toboglo only
has a population of five, if you count Aunt Edith.
It then emerged,’ he continued, ‘that
Garanaland was a member of NATO, and a pre-emptive
strike on my hedge by the RAF was already in an
advanced stage of planning.’
‘We are currently
working to ensure that all non-existent countries
are identified,’ confirmed UK Foreign
Secretary, William Hague. ‘We recommend,
however, that the public exercise caution to
ensure that any foreign country they plan to
visit, or do business with, can, in fact, be
found on a map.’
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