Tabloid Readers
Shamed
Editors of the British
tabloid press united today to speak-out against
those who buy their newspapers.
‘They’re only
interested in sleaze and scandal,’ angrily
accused one editor. ‘For too long
they’ve blackmailed us into harassing
celebrities and other public figures, and then
compelled us to print pernicious lies about them.’
Another editor, who was too
frightened to be identified, tearfully told of
how he feared for the safety of his family.
‘If I didn’t print what those
lascivious, sadistic, bigoted bastards demanded,’
he sobbed, ‘they’d stop buying the
paper, and my wife and children would starve.’
Others underlined the
courage it had taken to finally stand-up to their
readers. ‘I couldn’t have done it alone,’
said the boss of a leading national tabloid.
‘The Tabloid Editors’ Support Group
helped me to realise I wasn’t alone. In
therapy, we spoke of how we had all come to hate
ourselves for dispensing with truth. We had all
lain awake at nights mortified at the interest we
had generated in celebrities for no purpose other
than to later vilify them.’
There is also huge guilt
among tabloid journalists about the way their
readers have forced them to portray immigrants
and young people. ‘There are not
millions of asylum seekers freely entering
Britain, and they are not committing all
crime,’ protested one reporter, ‘but if
we even implied this, circulation figures would
plummet.’
The same reporter recalled
the apology that his newspaper had been compelled
to issue when it had inadvertently suggested that
not all young people were drunk 24/7 and that not
all fourteen-year old girls were pregnant. 'The
article had commended the dedication and hard
work of young people and the credit they were to
Britain,' he revealed. 'My editor had feared that
it might lead to violent protests by readers.'
A spokesperson for British
tabloid editors confirmed that they were no
longer prepared to be the passive and helpless
victims of their readerships. She stated that the
newspapers had unanimously resolved to gradually
move towards a radical new policy of publishing
stories that were balanced and factually accurate.
She also confirmed that they would be running a
series of articles, ruthlessly exposing their
readers. ‘The reports,’ she promised,
‘will unflinchingly reveal the truth about
how these conscienceless psychopaths have
mercilessly driven tabloid journalism to the
unsavoury depths that it now plumbs.’
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