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A Man of Yet a Few More Words - by Swan Morrison

The Self-Indulgents

‘Today on The Music Show we’ll be talking about the biggest band of the 70s, 80s and 90s, The Self-Indulgents. With me in the studio is their legendary lead guitarist, Fret Capo. Welcome Fret. Thanks for joining us.’

‘Hi. It’s great to be here.’

The Self-Indulgents were unusual, both in line-up and song writing.’

‘That’s right. The band was composed of two couples, like Abba, but all four of us wrote the songs.’

‘There was you and Melody, and then Clef and Harmony.’


‘The four of you had more number one hits than any other band in history. Why do you think that was?’

‘We all went through tough times, and our lyrics distilled the emotions of those real human experiences. I think people were able to relate to that.’

‘Your first hit was We’re Having a Great Time.’

‘That was just after the band formed.’

‘But problems soon emerged.’


‘When did you first notice that something was wrong?’

‘It was when Melody’s song reached number one in the States.’

‘You mean I’m Shagging Clef?’

‘It may sound strange, but while we were recording it, I never really focused on the significance of Melody’s lyrics.’

‘Other classic hits followed.’

‘That’s right. My song, You Bitch, I’m Shagging Harmony Now, reached the top of both the UK and US charts. It was only ousted to number two by Harmony’s rock anthem, Lesbian Sex with Melody is Better Than with Either of You Two Bastards.’

‘In fact, the band was soon to have three singles at the top of both charts with the release of Clef’s great ballad.’

‘That’s true. I’ll Be Buggering Fret, Tonight gave us those top three slots.’

‘Then drugs became an issue for the band, didn’t they?’

‘We started using pot and cocaine. Then we couldn’t find a dealer to sell us any.’

‘Why not?’

‘I’m not sure. Some say it was a verse in my next hit.’

‘The one that went:
“I’m gonna score some great cocaine
From Leroy Jones, that man
Who lives at 19, Gasworks Lane,
SO4 9AN.
Or I might get some top class weed.
It’s great, I sure can tell ya.
He grows it in a secret room
Down there in his own cellar.”

‘Just after that song hit the top of the charts on both sides of the Atlantic, Leroy got arrested for manufacturing and dealing class A drugs. After that, we couldn’t get another supplier, and Leroy was going to be in prison for twenty-five years.’

‘Things got tougher for Melody when Harmony broke up with her and went back to Clef.’

‘It was hard, but I admire the way she channelled her negative emotions into creative energy.’

‘You mean the duet she wrote that once again put you both at the top of the charts?’

‘We got a platinum disc for I’ve Butchered Harmony and Clef and Buried Them Under Fret’s Patio, before Mel had to leave the band.’

‘But that wasn’t the end of The Self-Indulgents was it, as you’ve now launched your own solo career?’

‘That’s right.’

‘It’s nearly the end of the show, but we’ve just time for Fret to perform his latest single.’

‘Many thanks. This song is called I’m Just an Aging Rock Star Cashing-in on Past Success…’