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Further Writing by Swan Morrison

BBC Gardeners' Question Time

‘BBC Gardeners’ Question Time today comes from the picturesque English village of Floribunda-by-the-water. This tranquil hamlet has changed little in the past one hundred years – except, of course, for the arrival of modern services such as electricity and, most recently, fibre-optic broadband.

‘Our first question comes from Mrs Iris Rose.’

‘Er … well … I had intended to ask the panel about managing aphids on plum trees, but I looked it up on the Internet and, I’m afraid, I fully understand the solution now. … Sorry.’

‘Oh! … Thank you Mrs Rose. Well, let’s move on, then, to Mr Basil Sage.’

‘Um … it’s a bit embarrassing really. I was going to ask about how to avoid multiple roots in carrots and parsnips but, like Iris, I googled it, and I now know just what to do.’

‘Oh dear … but, nevertheless, it’s good to hear that your problem is solved, Mr Sage. … Perhaps the panel can therefore consider Miss Holly Cedar’s problem regarding the poor growth of her onions.’

‘I’m Holly Cedar. … I feel just awful. … I was desperately trying to wait until this show was recorded, but my onions just weren’t growing. Then I had a bit too much to drink one night, my resolve weakened, and I discovered online about the high fertilisation needs of alliums. I hate myself for doing it as I don’t have a question for you now.’

‘Don’t blame yourself, Miss Cedar, it could have happened to anyone. … Anyway, I’m sure there must be someone in the audience who has a question for our panel. … Everyone seems to be shaking their heads.
‘Are you all on the Internet? … Everyone is nodding their heads.
‘Well, in that case, this brings us to the end of this week’s BBC Gardeners’ Question Time. Listeners can now enjoy an unscheduled twenty-five minutes of light classical music.
‘Next week’s BBC Gardeners’ Question time comes from the Northern Shetland Islands where we gather there is not yet a bloody Internet connection.’