Britain In Shock
As Michael Gove Reveals The True Reason He Ceased
To Endorse Boris Johnson For British Prime
Minister
Michael Gove, the former
Secretary of State for Justice, stunned Britain
today when he revealed at a press conference the
true reason why he had ceased to endorse Boris
Johnson as a candidate for British Prime Minister.
'The truth is,' admitted a
deeply embarrassed Mr Gove, 'that Boris is a
character from Pokémon Go. He simply
doesn't exist.
'Politics is so boring,'
explained the MP for Surrey Heath, 'that I, and
most of my parliamentary colleagues, play games
on our smartphones nearly all the time. Nigel
Mills got caught in 2014 during a Commons
committee meeting, but we all do it.
'In the past, when on the
move, it's been hard to complete the next level
of games like Candy Crush without
walking into things. Pokémon Go solved
that problem because you can see what's in front
of you as you wander about. Unfortunately, that
makes it all too easy to confuse the game with
real life.'
Mr Gove was asked about why
he had never realised that Boris was part of the
game rather than part of the real world.
'In retrospect, I feel like
a complete idiot,' the MP responded. 'I should
have twigged that something was odd at our very
first meeting. Boris was hanging from the celling
lights in Westminster Hall on that occasion. At
the time, I just put it down to the man being a
bit of an eccentric. I'd been hoping that someone
would emerge who had a fresh approach to politics
that might re-engage an increasingly cynical and
disillusioned public. I suppose it was that
desire which blinded me to other bizarre clues
too. For example, in real life, nobody dresses,
or has a haircut, like that!
'I might never have noticed,
mind you,' he continued, 'if my mobile hadn't run
out of charge on the 29th June. Boris just
vanished when the phone went dead. I looked for
him for ages before I finally realised what must
have happened.'
When asked why no one else
had noticed that Boris Johnson was not real, Mr
Gove admitted that one MP had, indeed, identified
the problem at an early stage. 'Jeremy Corbyn
spotted it immediately,' he revealed. 'As you
know, Jeremy has taken an oath to live as if in
the 1970s - both in relation to his behaviour and
his beliefs. It's a bit like the way the Amish
Community pretend it's still the 18th century. As
a result, Jeremy doesn't have a smartphone.
'The problem was that no
one took Jeremy seriously. Many times he's sat on
the Labour front bench sporting his flared
trousers and wide lapels - and with his ban-the-bomb
sign propped up against the next seat -
passionately proclaiming that Boris Johnson doesn't
exist.
'Once everyone's decided
that a person's mad, however, nobody listens to
them - even when they're saying something
sensible. We all just ignored Jeremy when he
pointed at Boris' seat in the chamber and kept
saying that it was empty. We could all see via
our smartphones, after all, that the right
honourable member for Uxbridge and South Ruislip
was clearly sitting there.
'It added to the confusion,'
Michael Gove concluded, 'when Niantic, the
publishers of Pokémon Go, released a
quest to escape from a hostile country as part of
the game. For some reason, that country got named
"Europe" by default, and, in the story,
the Boris character happened to be leading the
other characters to freedom.'
Hal J. Geekson, the Niantic
programmer who created the Boris Johnson
character, also spoke to the press this morning.
He confessed to being unsurprised about the
British revelation. 'We realised some time ago
that this kind of misunderstanding could occur,'
Mr Geekson told a press conference in San
Francisco. 'On the subject of which: there's
something we need to tell you guys about Donald
Trump. ...'
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