Trashes Oval Office
White House sources have
confirmed that Donald Trump has caused
considerable damage to the Oval Office.
'He turned over tables,'
reported one source, 'upended chairs, ripped
curtaining and threw paintings out of smashed
windows onto the White House lawn.'
'He was beside himself with
rage about Michael Wolff's book, Fire and Fury,'
explained one aide. 'He simply couldn't
understand how anyone could mistake a stable
genius for an idiot with the emotional maturity
of a three year old.'
During his rampage, the
president was reported to have screamed: 'I'm the
goddam president. I can eat all the ice cream I
like; have friends for sleepovers when I want;
stay up late; look at whatever I want on the
Internet; demonise any group of people I don't
like, and do anything else I damn well please. I
can, I can, I can, I can!!!'
'He was inconsolable for
many hours,' added Doris Hoover, the cleaner
employed to look after the Oval Office. 'When he'd
stopped stamping his feet and banging on the
walls, he just sat down on the floor and cried. I
was real cross with him at first as it's gonna
take a lotta work to get that room fixed. I then
felt sorry for the poor little fella, sat down
beside him and gave him a hug. He told me,
between sobs, that it was "all sooo unfair".
He said that he just hoped Michael Wolff would be
in Pyongyang when he nuked it, and he was gonna
do that just as soon as his senior aides told him
where they'd hidden the nuclear button.'
Greta Mindstein, a leading
US psychologist, has pointed out that, although
alarming, this behaviour is characteristic of a
normal developmental phase. 'Usually, however,'
Ms Mindstein explained to reporters, 'this stage
tends to have passed by the age of five or six -
and certainly long before a person is eligible to
become president of the United States. It's an
expression of what Freud called "infantile
narcissism"' she clarified, 'and derives
from the greatly exaggerated sense of self-importance
that very young children develop from their
natural tendency to see themselves as the centre
of their universe.
'When rational adults place
boundaries on such behaviour,' Ms Mindstein
continued, 'this forms part of a learning process.
In the case of the president, the constraints
that the courts and the senate have placed on his
actions - and others that will inevitably be
imposed during the remainder of his presidency -
should ultimately be internalised as he
progresses towards emotional maturity.'
A senior presidential
advisor has confirmed that the president has
begun to feel a lot more cheerful in the period
since an aide first read to him the simpler parts
of Mr Wolff's book. The president was said to be
looking forward to going to the park to play
baseball with his friends and then having his
favourite burgers for supper.