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Further Writing by Swan Morrison

Donald Trump Trashes Oval Office

White House sources have confirmed that Donald Trump has caused considerable damage to the Oval Office.

'He turned over tables,' reported one source, 'upended chairs, ripped curtaining and threw paintings out of smashed windows onto the White House lawn.'

'He was beside himself with rage about Michael Wolff's book, Fire and Fury,' explained one aide. 'He simply couldn't understand how anyone could mistake a stable genius for an idiot with the emotional maturity of a three year old.'

During his rampage, the president was reported to have screamed: 'I'm the goddam president. I can eat all the ice cream I like; have friends for sleepovers when I want; stay up late; look at whatever I want on the Internet; demonise any group of people I don't like, and do anything else I damn well please. I can, I can, I can, I can!!!'

'He was inconsolable for many hours,' added Doris Hoover, the cleaner employed to look after the Oval Office. 'When he'd stopped stamping his feet and banging on the walls, he just sat down on the floor and cried. I was real cross with him at first as it's gonna take a lotta work to get that room fixed. I then felt sorry for the poor little fella, sat down beside him and gave him a hug. He told me, between sobs, that it was "all sooo unfair". He said that he just hoped Michael Wolff would be in Pyongyang when he nuked it, and he was gonna do that just as soon as his senior aides told him where they'd hidden the nuclear button.'

Greta Mindstein, a leading US psychologist, has pointed out that, although alarming, this behaviour is characteristic of a normal developmental phase. 'Usually, however,' Ms Mindstein explained to reporters, 'this stage tends to have passed by the age of five or six - and certainly long before a person is eligible to become president of the United States. It's an expression of what Freud called "infantile narcissism"' she clarified, 'and derives from the greatly exaggerated sense of self-importance that very young children develop from their natural tendency to see themselves as the centre of their universe.

'When rational adults place boundaries on such behaviour,' Ms Mindstein continued, 'this forms part of a learning process. In the case of the president, the constraints that the courts and the senate have placed on his actions - and others that will inevitably be imposed during the remainder of his presidency - should ultimately be internalised as he progresses towards emotional maturity.'

A senior presidential advisor has confirmed that the president has begun to feel a lot more cheerful in the period since an aide first read to him the simpler parts of Mr Wolff's book. The president was said to be looking forward to going to the park to play baseball with his friends and then having his favourite burgers for supper.