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Further Writing by Swan Morrison

Epson Printer Message

Epson Printer Message:
Your Light Cyan cartridge should be replaced.

OK, I’ll do that. … … Done.

Epson Printer Message:
You appear to not be using a genuine Epson cartridge.

Well, of course I’m not. Even if I’d won the lottery and could afford a villa in Beverly Hills, a yacht in Monaco, a Lamborghini Veneno and a box of genuine Epson cartridges, why would I buy those cartridges when equally good ones are available on Amazon for a fraction of the cost?

Epson Printer Message:
Epson cartridges have been specially formulated to give the best performance in your printer. Are you sure that you wouldn’t like to bin the better value ones you’ve already purchased from Amazon and take out a mortgage on a pack of genuine Epson cartridges? Financing can be arranged on very reasonable terms.

No thanks. I’ve been using replacements for years, and I’ve never found anything wrong with them.

Epson Printer Message:
Non-genuine cartridges may lead to a nuclear explosion that could obliterate all life on Earth and invalidate the warranty on your printer.


Epson Printer Message:
No, we made that bit up, but what else can we do to get bastards like you to buy our cartridges?

Price them sanely. If other companies on Amazon can produce great cartridges at really cheap prices, why can’t you do the same and base your profits on a greater volume sold at a lower cost per unit. For God’s sake, you could claim in your advertising that you’re the honest and fair cartridge provider. You could even make replacement Canon and HP cartridges too and just leave those companies with a reputation as cynical profiteers.

Epson Printer Message:
We’re not breaking ranks with the likes of Canon and HP
Kodak started to sell ink at fair prices and they went bust.

That was an innovative and successful marketing idea. They didn't go bankrupt because of it, but because they didn’t come up with enough other innovations. Anyway, it’s up to you what you do. I’ll just keep buying low cost cartridges from Amazon – just as I did when I owned Canon and HP printers.

Epson Printer Message:
We don’t suppose it would influence you if we mentioned the old, grey haired mothers of our executives who need the money to support and comfort them in the twilight days of their lives.


Epson Printer Message:
In that case, how the hell do you expect our executives to pay for their villas in Beverly Hills, yachts in Monaco, and Lamborghini Venenos?

Not my problem.

Epson Printer Message:
Well, fuck you then. We’ll just keep putting these annoying, alarmist and patronising messages on your screen every time you change a cartridge.

I expected no less. I don’t care though; I’m in it for the long haul. And just think of the fortune I’m saving – I could put the money towards that villa in Beverly Hills. I’ve blocked Epson updates, by the way, so you can’t ‘do an HP’ and prevent my printer from using replacement cartridges.

Epson Printer Message:
You devious son of a bitch! Incidentally, your Magenta cartridge should be replaced.