Public Resort To
The Supernatural To Decide EU Referendum Choice
A MORI poll published
yesterday indicates that many UK residents have
abandoned reason as a means of making a decision
in the EU referendum. They are instead planning
to seek guidance from supernatural sources.
‘It has become
increasingly apparent since the start of the EU
referendum campaign,’ confirmed a spokesman
for MORI, ‘that most people may find it
impossible to come to an informed opinion about
which way to vote on 23rd June.’
‘It’s hopeless,’
said one of those random shoppers that reporters
accost in the street when they want a quote from
an ordinary person. ‘I’m not an expert
on politics, economics or sociology, and I’m
not going to become one before the vote. There
are lots of people who know more than I do, but,
based on the same facts, those people seem to be
split into diametrically opposed camps. If clever,
well informed people can’t agree on what’s
best, how can I?’
The extent of public
confusion has been dramatically illustrated by
another survey – this time of London taxi
drivers. Normally, members of this group are able
to explain in detail how to solve any problem on
the planet. In the case of the EU vote, however,
all admitted they simply had no idea what to
think.
Scientists suspect that
this uncertainty may be because it is logically
impossible to know what the outcomes of either
decision might be.
Current UK press guidelines
have demoted Brian Cox from being the first
person consulted on any scientific matter. Tim
Peake is now the official voice of the scientific
world: ‘From a scientific perspective,’
Tim Peake told BBC News from the International
Space Station, ‘the outcome for Britain of
any decision on the EU may well be explicable by
reference to chaos theory. This means there are
infinitely many variables that can lead to
infinitely many outcomes – that makes it
logically impossible to predict in advance what
would happen after either an “in” or an
“out” decision.'
Many have found this
analysis appealing as chaos has, for decades,
been a major factor in the functioning of the EU.
The situation has led
millions of voters to the conclusion that an
opinion on whether Britain should remain in
Europe cannot be reached by rational deduction.
As a result, increasing numbers are considering
supernatural approaches to inform their decisions
and hence allow them to participate in the
historic vote.
‘The sun is in Cancer
on the 23rd June,’ said Professor Claire
Voyant, chair of the British Astrological Society.
‘Water will be the relevant element on that
day, and the moon will be the major planetary
influence. Mooning at Europe across the waters of
the English Channel is thus indicated by the
stars. This would seem to suggest an “out”
vote.’
Astrology has the advantage
of being applicable in advance of the vote
because the locations of heavenly bodies on the
23rd June are predictable now. Most other methods
of divination, however, are only effective if
employed as close as possible to the moment when
guidance is required.
‘We have advised our
members to wait until as near the instant they
vote as they can to slaughter their goats and
read the entrails,’ said Grand Master
Bloodaxe of the UK Pagan Council. ‘This will
produce some practical problems,’ he
admitted, ‘as ballot regulations preclude
live sacrifices within polling stations.’
‘Tasseographists have
an advantage in respect of last minute readings,’
noted Rosemary Lee, Grand Strainer of the English
Tea Leaf Diviners Association. ‘Our members
can simply have a nice cup of tea outside the
polling station and then discreetly consult the
resulting distribution of leaves prior to voting.’
In order to place the
moment of divination as close as possible to the
moment of voting, many people are considering
predictive techniques that can be employed within
polling stations.
‘There are no specific
regulations,’ confirmed Ivor Register, a
senior returning officer, ‘that prevent a
voter from taking a tarot deck or a copy of the I
Ching into a polling booth. Polling station staff,
however, would prefer on-the-spot divinations to
take no more than a minute or two to avoid queues.
This time limitation,’ he added, ‘would
also preclude all but the most basic of shrines
or altars being erected.’
For those individuals who
are not drawn to religious rituals, pure chance
can be evoked just prior to casting a vote.
Tossing a coin is one simple way to do this.
Specially designed, commemorative referendum
coins will be minted for this purpose with “in”
engraved on one side and “out” on the
other.
The recent MORI poll
clearly shows that most of the UK population
would like to be part of this once (or possibly
twice, or maybe three times – who knows?) in
a generation opportunity to steer the future
course of the nation. Many remain unhappy,
however, about being driven to chance or
supernatural means to decide on a personal
position. A petition has been raised, therefore,
to include a third option on the ballot paper. In
addition to “in” and “out”
the petition advocates an honest “haven’t
got a bloody clue” option.
The prospect of such an
alternative position has led to a third EU
campaign in addition to the Britain Stronger
in Europe and the Britex campaigns.
This new Haven’t Got a Bloody Clue
movement has already gained a widespread
following – its current supporters include
everyone in the UK with the exception of a few
Westminster politicians.
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