Purée de Pois
Are you ready to
corn tamale with avocado and corn salsa
thats here on the menu?
Can I take it that
youve no knowledge of this dish?
Its why Im asking.
In that case, thered
be no point in me describing it because the
kitchen wouldnt prepare it for you.
Its on your
menu, so why not?
owner, and chef, Pretentio Bullasheetio, has four
Michelin stars. He has trained for many years
with the finest cooks in the world and appeared
as a judge on TV cookery competitions. He
believes there is absolutely no point in
preparing complex dishes, incorporating multiple
levels of flavour experience, for diners who lack
a sufficiently experienced palate. He likens it
to presenting a Lamborghini to a child who has
yet learned to drive quite pointless and
an affront to the designers art. The fact
that youve never heard of his dish rather
puts you into that category, Im afraid. Why
dont you choose something you do
There arent any
dishes on this menu that I fully understand.
Scallops with puree of English peas,
pancetta and quail eggs, finished with shaved
truffles contains ingredients that Ive
heard of, but Ive no idea what the food
might look or taste like. Its the same with
duck fat fried chicken with pecan-quinoa-corn
Perhaps you should
inspect this menu, Sir. Pretentio
reserves it for what he calls his more culinarily
Thats better. I
understand the dishes on this sheet.
a bit limited though: Pot Noodle;
Ginsters pasty; Aldi beef
burger all served with McCains
chips and Heinz baked beans.
that diners such as yourself, Sir, feel much more
at home with those choices,
Well, Im pretty
hungry so perhaps Pretentio could rustle-up a
beef burger with chips and baked beans for me.
Pretentio will never
prepare such food. He has a separate room across
the street where you can select those items for
yourself and pop them into the microwave. I can
give you the key to that lock-up if you like.
Pretentio says it avoids potential cross
contamination with his creations and, indeed, his
better educated customers. There are less
demanding restaurants around here, you know. The
café of the Tate Modern is just over the
Ive come from
there. I tried to order boiled eggs de
Peter Doig" and then attempted cheese
on toast a la Yves Klein".
How did that go?
I knew what a boiled
egg was, and Im something of a connoisseur
of cheese on toast although I say so
myself. Unfortunately, Id never heard of
Peter Doig or Yves Klein, so they threw me out.
This is an increasing
problem, Im afraid, due to the influence of
MasterChef on TV. Many people who use the
Salvation Army's nightly soup and sandwich
service for the homeless can easily afford to eat
in restaurants. Theyre simply not
knowledgeable enough about fine dining to qualify
for a table in London.
How can I get a meal
then apart from waiting for the Salvation
Army van tonight?
Id try the fish
and chip shop opposite St Pauls if I were
you. Are you familiar with cod in batter?
Thats a good
start. They may call it hand crafted ale
battered, Baltic cod loin but its the
same thing, so dont let that throw you. You
can probably wing it.
Thanks for the advice.
Ill give it a go.
I might see you later,
actually. To be frank, I often eat there. Just
between us, Pretentios cooking tastes
pretty awful to me, but what can you say to a
Michelin four star chef? At that level, if you
dont like the food then youre to
blame for not having a sufficiently educated
palate. The saucisse avec purée de pois
at the fish and chip shop is particularly good,
by the way.
purée de pois.
Sausage with mushy
Thanks for the tip. Ill
see if I can get away with ordering it.
Many thanks. Might
see you later.